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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the Chemist and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the Pharmacist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.' The Pharmacist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.' The Pharmacist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.' |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Some of you will have noticed I have not added any jokes to this thread recently. Well Ive been doing some research! The bad news is my research was for the worst jokes I could find. No, its OK! You deserve them. So here we go . ****************************************** How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi Jammin.. ****************************************** A sadist and a masochist are talking, the masochist says "Hit me" the sadist says "No" ****************************************** The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers. "And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster." And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint". What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny ba5tard!" ****************************************** Two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other Do you smell carrot? ****************************************** What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie ****************************************** Whats round and bad tempered? A vicious circle. ****************************************** Secretary - Can I use your Dictaphone? Boss - No, use your finger like everyone else. ****************************************** I was walking past the fridge this morning and I thought I heard the onions singing a song by the Bee Gees. When I opened the door it was only the chives talking. ****************************************** Heard about the magic tractor? It was driving along the road then turned into a field ****************************************** Waiter - this soup tastes funny. Why are you not laughing then? ****************************************** Do you have any invisible ink sir? Yes, which colour? ****************************************** What's E.T. short for?? Cos he only has little legs ! ****************************************** A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac were all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat" said the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it." stated the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it!" shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again." continued the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it." said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said : "Meow". ****************************************** And my favourite worst joke What do you call a nun that walks in her sleep? A Roaming Catholic |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Pound. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? .. . . . . . . . . . . . I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.' |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. I said, 'Dust.'
********************************************************** I took my missus to a nice restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. Ill have a large steak, medium rare, please. He said, Arent you worried about the mad cow? Nah, she can order for herself' I said. ********************************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. ********************************************************** My girlfriend is standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror. She's not happy with what she sees and says to me, 'I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' ********************************************************** When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her somewhere expensive so, I took her to a petrol station ********************************************************** Mrs Jack and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, Do you want to have sex? No, she answered. I responded, Is that your final answer? Know what? She didnt even look at me this time, simply saying, Yes. So I said, Then Id like to phone a friend. ********************************************************** My wife was so pi**ed off at me for not opening the car door for her to get out, ********************************************************** A farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, " I've got to **** this pig every night."
********************************************************** My girlfriend and I were sitting in the living room. She said we should go somewhere to eat where we haven't been in a while. I suggested the kitchen. And then the fight started... ********************************************************** I asked my mate if he'd be my best man. He was well chuffed. I told him it was a full Scottish wedding. Kilts, bagpipes, the lot. He asked me what was the tartan. I told him she was wearing her wedding dress. |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Manly DIY Leak stain on ceiling.
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Attention ALL Zimbabwe/Mozambique Border Patrol Agents... Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top - thought to be transporting illegal immigrants!
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Bigian
Really Senior Member II Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
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Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?"
To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman." Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?" Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman." Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me." Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers. Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds." Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight. Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?" Susie waved the license in the air, and replied: "It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!" |
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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How to treat a lady...
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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IamSpartacus
Moderator Group Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
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Manly DIY - The Pictoral Version Plumbing> Piece of Pi$$ International plug adaptor? No need.... Car Upgrades Sportbike, gets sport seat... sort of! DIY Electric Toothbrush, for a really invigorating clean! Unisex Underwear? You each get a go... |
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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A few more VizettesTHESE DAYS, most shops have wheelchair access, but once inside the shop, the needs of the disabled are all but forgotten. Whilst in my newsagents the other day, I realised how difficult it must be for someone in a wheelchair to purchase a top shelf magazine. They would have to ask someone to pass it down which would cause great embarrassment. . Wouldn't it be a good idea if newsagents had a pneumatic ramp by the magazines to lift wheelchairs up to the top shelf. It could be fitted with flashing lights and a klaxon to warn other customers to keep clear of the mechanism when in operation.Steve Dawson, e-mail
I VISITED my local GP last week complaining of a sore throat and stiff neck. Imagine my surprise on being told I had absentmindedly swallowed a flute. Danny Keough, Exeter
WITH THE FIA constantly looking for ways to slow down modern Formula 1 cars, why haven't they tried wrapping hair and fluff around the rear wheel axles? It certainly works on my Scalextric. J. Gash, e-mail
WHAT A con these so-called radio controlled taxis are. I got in one the other day and there was a man inside driving it. J. Beneaux, Leeds
YOU'D THINK that after 23 years, some of these so called 'Children in Need' might have grown up like the rest of us. Moose, Valley Park
ONLY THE other day I came home from work and found a mixture
of men's and women's clothing scattered about my lounge. Imagine my
surprise when I discovered my boyfriend upstairs, naked in our bed
having sex with my best friend. I hit the roof. However, he soon
cleared it all up by explaining that 'It was only a bit of fun, and it
meant nothing'. How foolish I felt for making such a fuss.. North Berkshire
I AM A lesbian trapped in a man's body. I am desperate to meet sympathetic women (preferably couples) who understand my plight, to see past the curse of penis affliction and initiate me into the joys of lesbian love. Please, please reach out and help a sister in distress. Paul Murphy (aka Ethel), e-mail
YOU OFTEN see signs outside churches telling us that 'Jesus Lives'. But these religious folk are always carping on about how he died on the cross for all our sins. Dying isn't much of a sacrifice if you're planning on coming back again five minutes later.. Come on, God botherers. You can't have it both ways. make up your minds. Is he dead or is he alive? Mr S. Turd, Corbridge
THE BIG Issue would sell a lot more copies if they made their vendors smarten up a bit. Most of them look like tramps. Tim Woods, e-mail
I THINK astrology is a pile of sh*t. My girlfriend is an Aries and she's got t*ts like two thruppenny bits on an ironing board. Meanwhile, her younger sister, who is also an Aries, has got the biggest pair of paps I've ever seen. I'd like roly-poly astrologer Russell Grant to explain that if he can. Andrew Nesbit, e-mail
I WAS DELIGHTED when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was 'outstanding', particularly since I can't even remember sending it in. Tom McCann, Wokingham
WHY DO women tennis players make such a loud grunt every time they hit the ball? If the act of hitting a ball is so difficult for them, perhaps they should stick to more ladylike pastimes such as knitting or dressmaking. Ric Porter, London
WHEN RICHARD Hammond was fighting for his life after his highspeed crash I, like the majority of the population, was wishing him a full and speedy recovery. Now, however, after seeing those Morrisons adverts on the telly, I can't help wondering if we weren't all a little hasty. Derek Derekson, email
MY GRANDSON recently installed a security camera on my front door. "Just press 9 on the remote when someone knocks," he said. "Then you can check who's there on the TV." Last Tuesday, there was a knock on the door. Would you believe Clint Eastwood had called on me to pay a visit! However, by the time I got to the door he was gone. And only this morning, Fern Britton came round, and I don't even know her. I must have kept her waiting quite a while, as she was sitting on a sofa she had brought along with her. Have any other readers had surprise visits from celebrities? Florence Lilian Davenport, e-mail
SAUCY SINGERS, such as Shania Twain and Britney Spears are all enjoying successful careers at the moment. But the sooner we stop buying their albums, the sooner they'll go broke and be forced to make porn films to pay their bills. Antony Peterson, New Zealand
THE LEGEND of Bigfoot, a humanoid ape-like creature living in the Rocky Mountains of America was first told by the native Red Indians centuries ago. Due to the vastness of the terrain, it is quite possible that such a creature could live undiscovered. Obviously, however, it could not live for centuries, so it follows that there would have to be a breeding population.. Based on my own field studies, I have calculated that the area where the bigfoot has been spotted could support around two hundred individuals. Just imagine if we captured all these magnificent beasts and trained them to perform Michael Flatley's Riverdance. What a show that would be! T. Fletcher, University of Denver,
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF. 2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 7.... YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.. 9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. 1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF. 2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 7.... YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.. 9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. |
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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so good you posted them twice!
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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Oh bugger! never did get the hang of cut and paste
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Me neither |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Peter Fenwick
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 27-August-2003 Location: Lost somewhere in time... Status: Offline Points: 6484 |
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Jesus, you guys have a lot of time on your hands...
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Entering an age of Austerity and now driving a Focus Diesel.
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Spocker
Advanced Newbie Joined: 13-February-2009 Status: Offline Points: 35 |
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Jeep pimpage...
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Bigian
Really Senior Member II Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
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SCOTTISH FEMALE INSULTS
She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back She's got a face like a horse in a huff Look's like she's been dooking for chips Had more hands up her than sooty! Shes got a face like a dog lickin pish off a nettle. It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe! She's got a face that could make an onion cry. I wouldn't ride her into battle. Mair chins than a chinese phone book She smells like an alkies carpet She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician It's like shaggin a pail of water.. She's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher Fanny like a ripped out fireplace Face like a sand blasted tomato Arse like a bag of washing She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant She's seen more helmets than Hitler Face like a stuntman's knee She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab Like opening the window and shagging the night She's seen more cockends than weekends A left her with a face like a painter's radio Fanny like a clowns pocket Fanny like a wizards sleeve Fanny like a Hippo's yawn She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet More pricks than a second hand dartboard. Face like a blind joiners thumb Shes done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo Even the tide wouldn't take her out Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard Handled more balls than Dino Zoff Pish flaps like John Waynes saddle bags She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout A fanny like a burst couch A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters Shes had more seamen than Saltcoats Shes seen more stiffs than Quincy! Shes seen more cokes than a bottle of bacardi! Cocked more times than Elmer Fudds shotgun |
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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