here you go part II

meanwhile, back at the thread (almost) a week passes and what happens??????????

nothing!!!!!!!!!!

hello! Anyone else out there???????

 Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

 2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

 Money spent:
 Oil Change $20.00
 Coffee $1.00
 Total $21.00
  ==========================================================
 Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
 3) Open a beer and drink it.
 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
 7) Place drain pan under engine.
 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
 Parts $50.00
 DUI $2500.00
 Impound fee $75.00
 Bail $1500.00
 Beer $40.00
 Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

billgates e30 wrote: oh no Ivan, crisis is a foot http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/04 /12/nwelly12.xml&sSheet=/news/2006/04/12/ixhome.html

I already knew about the burgeoning financial problems last year, thanks!

Why d'ye think I bought the entire set of coloured Hunters last summer?

Rhys wrote: Horsetan wrote: Why d'ye think I bought the entire set of coloured Hunters last summer?   ..because you have a rubber fetish?

Be quiet, Rhys

thepits wrote: http://www.rubberist.net/ hee-hee

Somehow you seem to know a lot more about this than I do!!

Could do with another pair of wellies, my old ones started leaking.

Who folds the tops down, anyone else? (but at least i don't write L & R on them)

Easter saturday and I'm sat here at work      SO HERE'S A JOKE  

An Australian ventriloquist, visiting the UK walks into a small village and sees a local sitting outside a pub patting his dog. So He figures he'll have little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this guy your owner?"(pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me couple of times a day, feeds me great food and brings me to the pub occasionally."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes

Me down often and keeps me nicely stabled to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "The sheep's a f**k**g liar...!"

Nice one's Steven!

and for those of you that can't afford the real thing: -

http://www.blushingbuyer.co.uk/acatalog/Stag_and_Hen.html?ad ult=true

down a bit....

(Yes Horsetan - more rubber!)

p.s. this is post 401! - do I get a prize??

steven.seed wrote: Mr Pits your a very bad man.    Hhhmmmm  one of each and you've got an orgy.  God did I really type that. I must be spending to much time on this forum.

Steven! I don't know what you mean - here's some more

http://www.thebigzoo.com/shopping/shopdisplayproducts.asp?id =352

(sorry Horsetan - not in rubber this time)

steven.seed wrote: .....I must be spending too much time on this forum.

Now what gave you that idea???