oops!

@ KB, what did I do wrong??

I just get picked on at the whim of our overlords.

we are the downtrodden masses you know!

Tut tut tut, can't you guys behave yourselves for one minute

I can see Killian needs to keep a close eye on you lot.

billgates e30 wrote: dirty jokes mate......they were funny but obviously not appropriate

So smut then!

Typical of you lot

oooh, get you!

sleeper wrote: aha! naughty mr pits was it!

Why pick on me?

If the mods - ok KB! - want to pull a thread that's up to them - mind you they could give us a clue why, couldn't they??

soooooooo... keep it clean eh?

The

Returnth!

Rhys wrote: Goldryder wrote: For once I can't be held responsible weyhey!!! makes a change

billgates e30

or me

or, or .........

what? No takers? OK ...

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Isle of White Ferry.'

Clean enough KB?

Rhys wrote: Goldryder wrote: For once I can't be held responsible weyhey!!! makes a change

Yeh, was she not supposed to go off on some penguin-sightseeing cruise?

If we're keeping it clean.....

How do you kill a circus

Horsetan wrote: I was wondering when those cards would make their seasonal re-appearance......

Now - of course! - doh!

you'll remember this one as well then

and this...........

maybe a spot of photoshopping on the first one.... appeasement in moderation ;)

stephenperry wrote: maybe a spot of photoshopping on the first one.... appeasement in moderation ;)

what on earth are you talking about?  

the refresh button is a sadly underused function....

stephenperry wrote: the refresh button is a sadly underused function....

and so is the http://www.bmwcarclubforum.co.uk/edit_post.asp?PID=227184&PN=0&TPN=2"> button!

whistles quietly, and mutters under breath "phew, looks like I got away with that one - just" .....

Ere horsey, they copied all our cards from last year..........and saved them

thepits wrote: Oh, I see, battle of the cartoons eh? Well take this.............. If you edit it you can post it back up, I can't be bothered to photoshop it..

that's not fair - I edited it!

and over-wrote the original jpg - so this is the only copy I have

Nigel wrote: Ere horsey, they copied all our cards from last year..........and saved them

No Nigel - not even WE are that sad - they're back on the email circus again this year - it's Christmas again.

Haven't you heard?

Horsetan wrote: Rhys wrote: Goldryder wrote: For once I can't be held responsible weyhey!!! makes a change   Yeh, was she not supposed to go off on some penguin-sightseeing cruise?

yeah, she was going to see if she could p...p...p..pick-uppa-pick-uppa penguin!

<groan>

stephenperry wrote: Horsetan wrote: Rhys wrote: Goldryder wrote: For once I can't be held responsible weyhey!!! makes a change Yeh, was she not supposed to go off on some penguin-sightseeing cruise? yeah, she was going to see if she could p...p...p..pick-uppa-pick-uppa penguin! <groan>

Go get your coat!

and talking of penguins....

thepits wrote: Nigel wrote: Ere horsey, they copied all our cards from last year..........and saved them No Nigel - not even WE are that sad - they're back on the email circus again this year - it's Christmas again. Haven't you heard?

Are ???

thepits wrote: thepits wrote: Oh, I see, battle of the cartoons eh? Well take this.............. If you edit it you can post it back up, I can't be bothered to photoshop it.. that's not fair - I edited it! and over-wrote the original jpg - so this is the only copy I have

shame...

Nigel wrote: Are ???

??????????????

What's up??

Throat sore?

Nigel wrote: It can't be Christmas yet, Killian hasn't put the snow, and hat on the main page !

so the legions of sad geeks and geekesses letting the internet rule their lives isn't a product of media-spin then?

stephenperry wrote: thepits wrote: thepits wrote: Oh, I see, battle of the cartoons eh? Well take this.............. If you edit it you can post it back up, I can't be bothered to photoshop it.. that's not fair - I edited it! and over-wrote the original jpg - so this is the only copy I have shame...

'ere! Thats cheating!  

Hey Mr Moderators - look what HE's done!!

you grass

who fancies a game of hangman?

stephenperry wrote: who fancies a game of hangman?

I Won!

bugger.  what about naughts and crosses?

stephenperry wrote: bugger.  what about naughts and crosses?

won that as well ....

sorry -

....sooooooooo, back to the Christmas(?) plot with..........

stephenperry wrote: bugger.  what about naughts and crosses?

...OI! nero, get your backside over here! look what he wrote!!

....and so, as this thread descends rapidly into tasteless festive chaos.......

stephenperry wrote: you grass who fancies a game of hangman?

I believe they play that game fairly regularly in Singapore.....

sleeper wrote: Good morning 'everyones favourite mounted lawyer'!

So long as it's "mounted", and not "stuffed and mounted"

anybody for a spot of chuck norris?:

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Even Chuck Norris doesn't know why no fact has a rating of 9 or above.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL****!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Chuck ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck instead.

If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Chuck replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Chuck Norris was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's #$%!.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Chuck Norris. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Chuck Norris was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Chuck punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.

Chuck Norris ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.

and a bit more:

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.


Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.


Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.


Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.


There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.


Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.


Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.


If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.


When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.


Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.


Chuck Norris is strong enough to punch through steel, yet gentle enough to cradle a new born baby to sleep.


When Freddie Krueger has nightmares he dreams about Chuck Norris roundhousing him right out of his dream and into the real life so he can get roundhoused again and again til his head caves in.


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man into the middle of next week. He then roundhouse kicked himself into the middle of next week, and roundhouse kicked the guy again.

NO! you don't know who chuck norris is???

http://www.chucknorris.com/ - http://www.chucknorris.com/

do you know who this guy is:

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserves their daily dose of vitamin T.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

Yoda had two sons. To one he taught pity, to the other he gave the gift of the beard.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus....all caucasian people moved to the back.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr. T's mother didn't breast feed him. He milked her.

Mr. T can rip a phonebook in half with his bare testicles.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

Mr. T skis uphill.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.

Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

sleeper wrote: NO! you don't know who chuck norris is??? http://www.chucknorris.com/ - http://www.chucknorris.com/

heehee

did you have sound on when you went to the site?

priceless!!!

Rhys wrote: Chuck Norris.. Didn't Bruce Lee beat him?

Didn't Bruce Lee beat everybody?

space? the final frontier.............

http://www.clivebanks.co.uk/Shatner/Star%20Trekkin.mpga - //http://www.clivebanks.co.uk/Shatner/Star%20Trekkin.mpga

I Refuse to let this thread die........

mind you Nigel may have other ideas!!

in the meanwhile -

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

the thread will not die ..............(well, not until n*g*l gets his paws on it it won't)

an oldie, but goodie..........

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

it will NOT die!

Hee-Hee - Bill Gates eat your heart out!

billgates e30 wrote: thanks buddy.....made my day, at least its clean this time

I resemble that remark!!

(disclaimer: - this picture is based on one available via a image search on 'funny santa' - with moderate safe search on (the default) - so there! )

and on the subject of penile extensions....

http://www.smashmyviper.com - http://www.smashmyviper.com

the premise is selling vandalising space on a dodge viper - god knows why, but it looks like its going to pay for replacing the car and then some!

best read the faq:

http://www.smashmyviper.com/faq/#damagefactor - http://www.smashmyviper.com/faq/#damagefactor

why am i giving these idiots more publicity?  god knows, but its something new to keep this thread ticking over

Stephen! You're still here - good job Rhys in on holiday, but "watch out, watch out there's still a Nigel about"

p.s. - you really should get out more - but thanks for the help!!

tick - tock  tick - tock ................

And finally folks - as I'm sure a mod will get bored with this thread soon ..............

Merry Christmas everybody - and I hope Santa gives you everything you deserve!

(disclaimer: - this picture was found via a image search on 'sexy santa' - with moderate safe search on (the default) - so there! )

still here then?

(disclaimer: - this picture was found via a image search on 'too quiet' - with moderate safe search on (the default) - so there! )

ok - It's the New Year, so here we go again ...........

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.

2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....

Horsetan wrote:

** How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

** Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

** What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

** How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

** Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

** What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

** When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

** How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short.

** What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

(It can't last? Can it?)

meanwhile - back at the thread...............

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

billgates e30 wrote: welcome back Ally....at least they lost the case on the way back and not on the way out....there would have been nowt but trouble otherwise

and think of all the lovely new clothes you can buy with the insurance when you don't get it back / it comes back with all your armani missing!

Goldryder wrote: Ise back!!!!

*GROAN*

......suitcase missing somewhere tween Buenos Aires and Heathrow....

Probably in Mumbai.....

Goldryder wrote: The suitcase arrived by courier this afternoon, Iberia put it on wrong flight out of Buenos Aires...it went to Toronto instead of the direct Madrid flight

PENGUINS!!!!!

Yay!

Horsetan wrote: PENGUINS!!!!! Yay!

 MORE PENGUINS!!!!!!!!!!

sneak preview of the latest BMW MPV