We always hear the rules from the female side.

Now here are the "rules" from the male side.

They are all numbered 1 on purpose to make it easier for the ladies.

1. The weekend = sports, its like the full moon, or the changing of the tides....let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat, your a big girl, if its up put it down. We need it up, you need it down, you dont hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Ask for what you want, lets be clear on this one,  subtle hints dont work ! strong hints dont work ! obvious hints dont work ! JUST SAY IT !

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it, sympathy is what your girlfriends give you.

1. A headache that lasts for several months IS a problem....see a doctor

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument, in fact all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If you wont dress like a french maid dont expect us to act like your soap opera heros.

1. If you think your fat you probably are, dont ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how its done, not both, if you already know how best to do it, then do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible please say what you have to say during the adverts.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and niether do we.

1. ALL men see only in sixteen colours, like windows default settings. Peach for example is a fruit not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches it WILL be scratched, we do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act as if nothing is wrong, we know you are lying, but its just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question and you dont want an answer, expect an answer you didnt want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine,............ really.

1. Dont ask us what were thinking about, unless you are prepared to discuss sex, cars, beer or sport.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape, round IS a shape.

1. Thankyou for reading this, yes I know I will have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, men really dont mind that, its like camping.

Seen it,

Readit,

Enjoyed it,

Made my girlfriend read and learn it.

Am still on the sofa!

Not brave enough to show it to my girlfriend, or at least if i do I won't be getting any for quite a while!

All absolutley spot on though. It's like whoever wrote that knows her!!

[no offence intended to any female members!]

Whats the difference between PMT & BSE?

One attacks the cows brain and causes it to go absolutely mad. The other is an agricultural disease!

kbannon wrote: [no offence intended to any female members!] <<<<<< WHIMP !!!!

Brilliant Killian, absolutely brilliant

LOL @ Sohlman & Derek

You should know better than to show this kind of stuff to 'er indoors.

show her this for the craic

----------------

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up....

kbannon wrote: [no offence intended to any female members!] Whats the difference between PMT & BSE? One attacks the cows brain and causes it to go absolutely mad. The other is an agricultural disease!

I too have shared this one with the wife.

Stunned silence was the response.

Killian I have to take my hat off to you.

I'd been looking for her "mute" button for years, you found it from that distance.

Cheers mate.

Nigel wrote: I too have shared this one with the wife. Stunned silence was the response. Killian I have to take my hat off to you. I'd been looking for her "mute" button for years, you found it from that distance. Cheers mate.

ROFL

Nige, specially for you...

&  there is one for your missus / family

possibly your work filter

try http://www.sillyhumor.com/remote/shemotecontrol_2.jpg - http://www.sillyhumor.com/remote/shemotecontrol_2.jpg  & http://www.sillyhumor.com/remote/hemotecontrol_2.jpg - http://www.sillyhumor.com/remote/hemotecontrol_2.jpg

Good link.............

Problem Report	Access denied to the system by SmartFilter, while attempting to retrieve the URL: http://www.sillyhumor.com/remote/shemotecontrol_2.jpg.
Message ID	SMARTFILTER_DENIED http://www.sctc.com/ - Secure Computing
Problem Description	Your system policy has denied access to this URL because of its content.
Problem Cause	The request was denied, as specified in the SmartFilter Content Filter configuration. The content category: Humor, Mature, Obscene/Extreme.
Possible Solution	Contact your network support team if this problem persists, and provide the team your account information.

You are not permitted to access the URL http://www.sillyhumor.com/remote/shemotecontrol_2.jpg due to the policy of Wyeth.

If you believe that this is an error, then you should contact your local Help Desk.

Please read http://fwmon-gv.labs.wyeth.com/firewall/about_webnot.html - WebNOT at Wyeth for more information.

This message came from Maidenhead Cache #1

 

maybe you should change jobs so you can view the internet!
ok try
http://www.kbannon.com/uploads/uploads/shemotecontrol_2.jpg - http://www.kbannon.com/uploads/uploads/shemotecontrol_2.jpg  & http://www.kbannon.com/uploads/uploads/hemotecontrol_2.jpg - http://www.kbannon.com/uploads/uploads/hemotecontrol_2.jpg
K.

Supprisingly enough I could see them no probs. I am frequently getting massages to say that access is denied due to the site containing humour!

Our IT security team make the Gestapo look like a bunch of school girls!

The've also blocked access to sites like ebay. Luckilly for me I can also access the internet by plugging my laptop straight into the phone line and hence bypass any nasty admin blocks.

Peter, We can't even bring laptops onto the campus that aren't 'checked' over by IT, if you're caught with an unauthorised one it's bye bye time.

KB, I used to be with Jacobs and their morality filter is pure southern bible belt.... Not only does it block the mail, it notifies the administrators at both ends???? It was funny getting the counts come thru though.