More Friday Humour

A young woman in Galway was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic Ocean.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. This is the local Aran Islands Ferry."

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Letter Sent To Dear Deirdre Advice Column....

I'm an unemployed, single father of seven. I have to live in my parent’s house until the council can sort out a flat for me.
My parent's house is in Darndale and one of my sisters, who lives in Tallaght, is married to a guy from Co. Mayo. My Father and Mother were found guilty of drug trafficking and are currently serving 8 years with no chance of parole. They are now dependent on my two sisters, who are both involved in prostitution.
I have a brother, who is serving a life without parole sentence in Mountjoy for the rape + murder of a teenager in 1994. My other brother is being held in Portlaoise remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a girl from Thailand, she used to be and indeed still is, a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however, her time there will probably be limited as she has a bad STD infection and someone is bound to notice before long.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé, using her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being from Mayo?

Confused in Darndale
Anto

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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself:

"She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up baked beans, and shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. He putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrrriiipppp!" It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep form gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming.

He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner: the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, putting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells(indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, SURPRISE!!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

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A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming" He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature"? Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "my ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid,look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears? Clearing his throat, he stammered [select text on next line to see rude punchline]
"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."