Men Vs Women Humour

How to Change Your Oil...
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back yard.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11, 15, & 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11 and buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty. Find drain plug in back yard hole.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on bumper in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit picture of Miss December (1982).

32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands.

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 26.

40. Drive car a quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.

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The Difference Between Men and Women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it--that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..."

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says."

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

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MEN DO TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
You Just Have to Know How to Listen

New Haven, Conn. (SatireWire.com) — According to a new study, young women speak more frequently and frankly about sex and sex-related subjects than men do. But this isn't true. Men speak about sex and relationships all the time. It's just in code...

Three guys, Bob, Jimmy, and Lewis, are watching a baseball game on television at Bob's house.

BOB: Hey, did you guys you catch that Lakers game last night?
TRANSLATION: I didn't get any last night so I watched a basketball game.

LEWIS: Yeah, it was awesome, especially that 3-pointer at the buzzer.
Same here.

JIMMY: The Lakers are the team. I haven't missed a game all season.
Last night? Try six months.

LEWIS: Hey, change of subject: I finally did it. I bought an Audi TT.
I'm still compensating for the sexual dysfunction problem, and I need to talk about it.

JIMMY: You lucky b*st*rd! What did your wife say?
That's tough. How's your wife dealing with it?

LEWIS: Actually, she loves the car. She's been driving it as much as I have.
She's as frustrated as I am.

JIMMY: Did you lease it?
You think it's temporary?

LEWIS: Yeah, but I have the option to buy.
Yes, but I'm worried I'll never get better.

BOB: Meanwhile, I just bought a minivan.
Hey, it could be worse. You could be castrated.

JIMMY: Man, you guys make me glad I'm still single.
It's a good thing I like masturbating.

LEWIS: Quiet guys. Barry Bonds is up. I hope he strikes out.
Does anybody else compensate for their sexual inadequacies by rooting for heroic, muscular men to fail?

JIMMY: Bonds is the best, but he's a jerk.
Since I'm single and don't even have a girlfriend, I'm particularly threatened by his ilk. What's wrong with me?

BOB: Excuse me, but the best player in baseball is Mike Pizza.
Sorry to butt in, but I think I'm gay.

LEWIS: Speaking of which, I thought Dave was coming here. He loves baseball.
Speaking of which, where's Dave? Isn't he gay, too?

JIMMY: Dave's staying home. He says the new wife won't let him out.
Dave's staying home hoping to get some.

BOB: By the way, I can't go to the game Saturday. It's our anniversary. Any ideas? I wanna try something new.
By the way, I can't go to the game Saturday. It's my annual chance to have sex. Any ideas? Standing naked at the front door with two bottles of beer didn't work last year.

JIMMY: Just get her a card. Always works for me.
Don't look at me. I have problems maintaining relationships.

BOB: Well hell, maybe I'll take Katie dancing.
I'm so desperate it's pathetic.

LEWIS: Dancing? You are such a wuss.
There's a club on 14th Street that plays Latin music. I take Donna there all the time. Very sensual.

Enter Dave.

BOB: Hey Dave, you made it! Sheila let you out, huh?
Hey Dave, you made it! Should we assume that Sheila, like other women, doesn't understand or appreciate the interdependency of physical affection and emotional closeness?

DAVE: What up?
Hi. Have I missed any good boy-talk?

LEWIS: Not much.
Oh my God, well... Bob is having intimacy issues that he's trying to resolve with Katie, Jimmy is having trouble maintaining relationships, and I'm still overcompensating for sexual dysfunction.

BOB: We were just talking about the Lakers game last night.
We were also discussing the sex drought we're all going through.

LEWIS: And Mike Piazza.
Oh right, and Bob is gay.

DAVE: Last night? Let me tell you about last night. Sheila and I not only shared mutually satisfying orgasms, but true intimacy. She really concentrated on what she knew would please me, particularly on my nipples, which always gets me hot. It was incredible.
Damn, I missed the Lakers' game. What happened?