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The Neverending Thread

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thepits View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote thepits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-March-2010 at 22:20
now, I'm sure i've seen that before  it must be the old age kicking in, memory isn't what it used to be, I remember when all this was fieldzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Edited by IamSpartacus
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But don't care.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote thepits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-March-2010 at 22:20
it must be Deja-Vu
Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote IamSpartacus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-March-2010 at 08:56
Repeating yourself Penelope? Must be getting older!

Edited by IamSpartacus
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-March-2010 at 21:37
Originally posted by IamSpartacus IamSpartacus wrote:

Repeating yourself Penelope? Must be getting older!


What do you mean getting older..? Getting..?

He is old..!

Never mind remembering when it was all fields.... He remembers when it was all one continent..

Penelope 'Pangaea' Pitstop..
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote IamSpartacus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05-March-2010 at 11:49

  A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
 
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
 
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
 
Realising his employer won't be best pleased;
 
He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.


Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,

He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
 
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
 
What can he do?
 
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,
 
Because lions eat anything.
 
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
 
He moved on to the last job,
 
Which is to collect honey from the South African bees.
 
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
 
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
 
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage
 
 - because lions eat anything.
 
 
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
 
He wanders up to the other lions and says
'What's the food like here?'
 

The lions say:


'Absolutely brilliant.
 
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07-March-2010 at 22:10
That was bad!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08-March-2010 at 20:22
Originally posted by kbannon kbannon wrote:

That was bad!



..and don't forget your coat on the way out...

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote IamSpartacus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-March-2010 at 02:10

 Everyones a critic!

 

>getscoat<

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-April-2010 at 23:50
After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-April-2010 at 23:50
At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-April-2010 at 23:55
Hard to talk about , but my sister is hot!

Before you read this: Please don't judge me... I'm just sharing my story because I need to get it off my chest...

Wow... okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this
First of all, - just for some background: My mom died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's ****ed up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so ****ing beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy **** went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to **** her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was ****ed up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever ****ing seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised. But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Misty Morning Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-April-2010 at 20:59
Oil Shortage
People can't understand how we have an oil shortage here in the UK.
Its very simple; nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were gettting low.
The reason is purely geographical.

Our oil is in the North Sea.


.................. Our dipsticks are located in Westminster.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-April-2010 at 22:43















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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07-May-2010 at 22:23
There's this old man and woman - both widowed, both just enjoying each others company in their later years.

As they got on better and better the man finally suggests that they go away on holiday together.

"Ooh that would be lovely" she replies.

So off they go to sunny Spain.

On the third night there - they're at the bar, the mood is very romantic so she suggests that he comes back to her room for a night cap.

Soon they're both sat on the bed talking, the night cap takes effect and the woman suggests that he spend the night with her.

Undressed and in bed and cuddling, the conversation takes a surprise turning when the woman blurts out "do you know the thing I miss most about my Alfred? Oral sex! He used to go down on me and stay there for hours!"

Shocked the man keeps quiet.

"Would you like to go down there...............?" she asks.

"OOOH - that would be lovely" he says and scarpers down under the covers.

Not 10 seconds later he's back up gasping for breath.

"Whatever's the matter" she asks.

"I don't want to sound rude or offensive" he replies, "but I can't stay down there a moment longer - it STINKS!"

"Oh that will be my arthritis" she responds.

"Arthritis???? Down there??? I'm sorry dear but you can't get arthritis down there!!"

"No No No" she replies "Not down there - in my shoulder!"

"In your shoulder? How can that make it smell that bad?" he shrieks.

"Well" she says "I haven't been able to wipe my arse for three years!!!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27-May-2010 at 08:52

Got the mother lode here!

 

John decided scrape and paint the hull of his 21' foot wood cruiser. Not being sure how much paint to buy and knowing that Jack, a close friend who had the same size boat had recently painted his, he gave him a call.

 

"Jack," he said, "How many gallons of paint did you buy for your boat?" "Six," I said.

 

John went out and bought six gallons of paint but when the job was done he had two gallons left over!

 

Calling Jack again, "Jack," he said, "I bought six gallons of paint for my boat, but I've got two gallons left over."

 

"Yes, "So did I!

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

The boys chatting in the pub after the night before.

 

How did you get on last night Mike?

 

Oh great, he says Scored with this Chinese bit. Went back to her place, on the nest all night. I had a job to keep her quiet, she kept saying "dang wang ho, dang wang ho" and a great little mover. Wriggled all night. I wish I knew what it meant?.

 

Go and see the Chinese next door, they'll tell you what it means.

 

Five mins later mike comes back, looking sheepish. Well what does it mean ask the boozers.

 

Dang wang ho means, one hole higher!

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

Mother superior came into the dinning hall and said. "There is a case of Gonarea in the convent

 

An old nun in the corner said Oh! that's good I was getting fed up with all that Chardonnay.

Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27-May-2010 at 08:54

Man came home from work to find his wife lying on the bed in her most sexy underwear. Tie me up she said and you can do anything. So he tied her up and went off to golf.

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

I'm often asked what makes for a good marriage.

 

Go out twice a week for a meal and have wine good conversation and a little romance.

 

It works for us. She goes Monday and Wednesdays, I go Tuesday and Thursday.

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

Two dyslexic robbers went into a bank and said 'Air in the hands, mother stickers, This is a f***up.

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

Dear Diary,

 

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

 

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

 

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

 

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

 

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

 

Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

 

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life

 

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

 

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

 

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

 

His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

 

THURSDAY :

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

 

Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

 

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

 

FRIDAY :

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

 

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director.

 

SATURDAY :

Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

 

SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27-May-2010 at 08:55

I have a problem.

 

I have two brothers, one is in the banking business the other was just sentenced to death in the U.S. for murder

 

My mother died from insanity when I was three years old. My two sisters are on the game and my father is a drug dealer. Recently I met a girl who was just released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child. I want to marry her.

 

My problem is this. If I marry this girl should I tell her about my brother, the banker, who is also Audi owner?

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

A copper walking his beat, finds two lady-men hard a it. He grabs one of them and gives him the bash. and if I find your mate I'll stick this truncheon right up his arse. A voice comes out of the lane, 'Coooie I'm hiding in the bust bin.'

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband, "I must confess to you I was a hooker"

 

He says, 'thats alright dear, your past is your past, but I must admit I find it quite erotic, tell me about it.'

 

She says, ' My name was Nigel and I played for the Harlequins'.

Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27-May-2010 at 08:56

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!

 

His wife was not amused. She simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

 

'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

 

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

 

She replied with a snicker ... 'It's not talcum powder ....... It's 'Miracle Grow!

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

For my ex

 

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you,

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls empty, and so is your head.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,

This describes every thing you are not.

I love your smile, your face and your eyes,

Damn I am good at telling lies.

Every time I see your face

I wish you lived in outer space.

My darling, my lover my beautiful wife,

Marrying you stuffed up my life.

Beauty is on the inside but some may doubt

If it is true I prefer you inside out.

I see your face when I am dreaming

No wonder I wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away

What have you stepped in to make me feel this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe go to hell

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

The judge asked, 'When did you realise you had been raped?"

 

'When the cheque bounced' replied the prostitute.

Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27-May-2010 at 08:56

In Deference to the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'British weather.'

 

In order to avoid offending a sizeable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.' In other words - 'partly Sunni but mostly Shiite.'

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

A guy gets on a bus with his trouser pockets bulging with golf balls.

 

He finds a seat next to (you guessed it a blond) who looked a his pockets blushed and looked away, a while later she again looked, so the guy said its golf balls, after a pause the blond said, is it as painful as tennis elbow!!!!!!!!!!

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

A deaf old man goes for a check-up to the doctors with his wife.

 

Doctor, slowly: "Mr Davies, I need a urine sample, a faeces sample and a sperm sample please".

 

"What did he say dear?" says old Mr Davies.

 

Mrs Davies: "He says he needs your underpants".

Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27-May-2010 at 08:58

Bought the wife a new mood ring, it sure works. If it turns green she's in a happy mood. If she's in an angry mood it leaves a gash on my forehead.

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

Whats the difference between 1920 panties and 2008 panties?

 

1920s you had to pull them down to see the bum.

 

2008 you have to spread the bum to see the panties.

 

 ****************************************************** *********

 

[An old one but sorry, I love it! Jack]

 

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs,

they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

 

Grumpy leads the pack.

 

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

 

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there

any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

 

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for

a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'

 

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

 

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

 

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any

dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

 

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and

then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.'

 

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

 

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

 

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY

dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

 

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,

there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

 

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding

the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

 

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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