The Neverending Thread

A couple celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary decide to spice things up a little by sitting down to supper stark naked.

"Oh Herbert" says the woman, "this is so lovely, I can feel my heart warming already."

"I'm not surprised, Lily" says Herbert "one of your boobs is in the soup"

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I�ll never understand women.

My wife has been nagging at me for months to do something constructive.

Now I�ve finally taken her advice she complains that I�m building a wall between us.

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Hey, is anyone into role playing games like "World Of Warcraft" and "Evony"?

Because I've discovered a new one with no monthly fees, a massive world to explore, incredible NPC AI, millions of individual character types and absolutely stunning graphics.

It's called "Outside - In The Real World"

 

http://www.wpix.com/news/wpix-animal-cruelty-charges-dropped ,0,4270638.story

Good grief has it been that long since the last post?

My wife verbally attacked me the other day by saying "you know, I think you love your football more than you love me" this really hurt me deep inside because I've been with her for a long, long time, about twelve and half seasons.

Jack735 wrote: And the lady say's, what can i say, you caught my eye!

That joke is older than Nigel!

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the *******s". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Blitzkrieg".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are as usual carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which
is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Edited by Rossi

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

 

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

 

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

 

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

 

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

 

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick ****. ... How about yourself?"

 

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some nutter in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

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Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from jail?

He was a small medium at large.

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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a d!ck like that."

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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them .... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds & thousands.


Police say he topped himself

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My local�s rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night �

First question was, �What the hell are you looking at?

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all have to serve a sentance in an under ground cell for 10 years. They are all allowed one thing they can request to take with them to last the 10 years. The englishman says "i'll have 10 years supply of fags", the irishman says "Oil have ten years supploi of da foinest oirish whisky" then the scotsman says, "Ai, I'll have ten years supply of the finest scottesh malt ma good maan"

After the ten years all 3 were released. The irishman comes out first, stumbles out and keels over, stone dead from alchoholic poisoning. The scotman then also stumbles out, swaggers a bit then collapses and dies from alchoholic poisoning. The englishman then follows last and says "Anyone got a light?"

IamSpartacus wrote: What the fcuk would they want with a Plasterer?

Nice one Del