The Neverending Thread |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Neologisms
Wordsmith's will love this |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Knock Knock
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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I used to be a pilot until the company fired me.
Apparently I had an altitude problem |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Fey!
Bavarian-Board Contributor Funs over, Scotty; beam down my clothes! Joined: 28-February-2005 Location: Galway Status: Offline Points: 4161 |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Making a baby.
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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The Power of Alcohol " He should've quit while he was a head!" |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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This next one requires a sweary word, so apologies in advance. It also reminds me too much of my 11 year old son which is a bit scary .. so away we go sweary and scary! How to get to Heaven in Scotland I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTAE BE FCUKN' DEAD..........' |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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keep 'em coming Jack
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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MAGPIE: THE ASSOCIATION for British Travel Agents and Thomas Cook have compiled some research looking at the silliest complaints lodged by holidaymakers in the UK. They include concerns about sand being too white, anger at the sea being too full of fish and feelings of inadequacy on seeing an aroused elephant. One man was envious that the three-bedroom apartment rented by his friend was clearly bigger than his own one-bedroom place. Another couple were frustrated that it took them nine hours to fly back to England from Jamaica when it only took the American travellers a mere three hours to get home. One Briton complained that the 3.50 pair of Ray Ban sunglasses bought from a street vendor proved to be fake, another that his travel agent had failed to tell him to wear swimming trunks for his trip to a water park, while another tour operator was criticised for not informing a traveller that mosquitos bite. It goes on. According to one man there were too many Spanish people in Spain and and another felt that too much curry was served in restaurants in India. * * * * * A COMPUTER programmer from Finland who lost his ring finger in a motorcycle accident has had it replaced with a USB drive. Jerry Jalava has built a special prosthetic finger which contains computer storage for photos, movies and other useful files. The prosthetic finger looks like a normal finger but he can peel it back from the nailand plug it into the USB slot on his computer, he explained. It is not attached permanently in to my body, it is a removable prosthetic which has USB memory stick inside it. When Im using the USB, I just leave my finger inside the slot and pick it up after Im ready. * * * * * AN ART student in England has given herself three months to find a husband as the final project for her college course. Alex Humphreys (23) is taking a visual communication course at Leeds College of Art and Design. She began her Husband Project after becoming disillusioned with casual dating and, so far, has 150 prospective suitors. In June, she must present a body of work to examiners to complete her course. She hopes it will include a marriage certificate and a real man as well. Id been single for too long and didnt want to end up a spinster, said Miss Humphreys. I wanted do to a big concept art piece for my final project and so I put the two things together. Im serious about finding the man I wake up next to for the rest of my life and marrying him before my course ends in June. * * * * * MEANWHILE, A woman in the US has been ordered to appear in court after calling the police three times because a McDonalds restaurant had run out of Chicken McNuggets. * * * * * IN A bid to protect children from sporting disappointment the English Football Association has been urged to introduce a mercy rule in youth soccer that would result in games being stopped if a team opens up a nine-goal lead. * * * * * IT BRINGS a whole different meaning to Blowing in the wind but Bob Dylan is reportedly making himself unpopular among his Malibu neighbours because of smells from a portable toilet on his property. They complain that sea breezes blow nasty smells from the loo, used by employees of Dylans, including his security guards. Cindy Emminger, whose house is directly behind the toilet, says the smell has made her and her eight-year-old son ill because they are both sensitive to chemicals and have allergies. She and her husband even went as far as installing five industrial-sized fans to blow the smell back at Dylan, but it didnt work. Its a scandal, Mr Emminger told the Los Angeles Times. Mr Civil Rights is killing our civil rights. * * * * * GERMAN TWIN brothers arrested on suspicion of stealing 6 million worth of jewellery and watches from KaDeWe, Berlins largest department store, have been released because police cannot prove which one did it. The 27-year-olds had been accused of the daring theft in which the robbers are thought to have abseiled into the shop through a skylight after scaling the side of the building. From the evidence we have, said a court statement, we can deduce that at least one of the brothers took part in the crime but it has not been possible to determine which one. Investigations are continuing (source) |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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The McD's one mentioned above is here...
Edited by kbannon |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy,whip me,whip me!" Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy. About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen". |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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Fey!
Bavarian-Board Contributor Funs over, Scotty; beam down my clothes! Joined: 28-February-2005 Location: Galway Status: Offline Points: 4161 |
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This one is true. In the current gangland which is Limerick, a city in the west of Ireland, there are two feuding factions, the Collopy/Keanes, and the Dundon/McCarthys. Over the past couple of years, they have been attempting to annihilate each other. Last week, Philip Collopy decided to show how big a man he was. He ejected the magazine from his semi automatic pistol, and proceeded tell his friends "This is what will happen any of those f*****s if they come after me", as he put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. He had completely forgotten about the bullet that was already chambered in the gun, and shot himself in the head. Does anyone have an email address for the Darwin Awards or Snopes??? And here's the inevitable joke: Latest score in local feud: |
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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The world is better off without that scumbag.
Very tasteful funeral cortge and all! Edited by kbannon |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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Fey!
Bavarian-Board Contributor Funs over, Scotty; beam down my clothes! Joined: 28-February-2005 Location: Galway Status: Offline Points: 4161 |
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It gives a new meaning to "the wan in the fishnets is a bit of a horse"!!! What's the deal with the pickup? The most infuriating thing is the Tricolour being dragged along the ground. A nations flag is supposed to be carried with respect, and should not touch the ground. You'd be strung up for that in some countries. |
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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IIRC they are travellers!
Drug dealing murderous scum |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge *********, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers... She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? ' |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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lesurely
Really Senior Member II Joined: 07-October-2005 Location: The Royal County Status: Offline Points: 889 |
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e30 325is (deceased)
e36 318is under major construction E39 530D Sport mtec (all the bells and whistles ) Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower lesurely |
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