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thepits View Drop Down
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Points: 10000473 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote thepits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25-January-2007 at 22:14

Originally posted by Jack735 Jack735 wrote:

Does anybody stir their tea/coffee anti-clockwise?Just wondered

Australians do

Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.
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Points: 10053 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25-January-2007 at 23:30
Originally posted by Jack735 Jack735 wrote:

Does anybody stir their tea/cofee anti-clockwise?

 

Just wondered



Haven't thought about it - depends which hand I hold the spoon in.

..on a similar thought - which hand do you use to wipe you behind?
V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
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No BMW as yet...
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Points: 10000473 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote thepits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26-January-2007 at 08:49

Originally posted by Rhys Rhys wrote:

Haven't thought about it - depends which hand I hold the spoon in...on a similar thought - which hand do you use to wipe your behind?

Ha-ha - another oldie but goodie

Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.
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Points: 2280 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 540 V8 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26-January-2007 at 17:03
Originally posted by thepits thepits wrote:

Originally posted by Jack735 Jack735 wrote:

Does anybody stir their tea/coffee anti-clockwise?Just wondered

Australians do

Actually, thats when they empty the bath, the water goes anti-clockwise.

Mike

 

Current:E34 540i Touring 6 speed manual(Mpower bodykit & suspension)& Chrysler Voyager 3.3 V6 auto
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Points: 2280 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 540 V8 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26-January-2007 at 17:12
Originally posted by Jack735 Jack735 wrote:

Does anybody stir their tea/cofee anti-clockwise?

 

Just wondered

Actually, you just made me think about it, and yes I do!  I have tried stirring it clockwise but find it's like writing left handed, i.e. I look like a pleb and end up with a mess everywhere!!

Mike

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Points: 1263 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Misty Morning Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26-January-2007 at 17:17
Originally posted by thepits thepits wrote:

Originally posted by Rhys Rhys wrote:

Haven't thought about it - depends which hand I hold the spoon in...on a similar thought - which hand do you use to wipe your behind?

Ha-ha - another oldie but goodie

"Goodie" and "behind"  sounds like another thread to me 
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Points: 735 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote gjoconnor92 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26-January-2007 at 17:33

Originally posted by Jack735 Jack735 wrote:

Does anybody stir their tea/cofee anti-clockwise?Just wondered

Don't use sugar. I am sweet enough
Gerard O'Connor

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thepits View Drop Down
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Points: 10000473 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote thepits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26-January-2007 at 21:29

ok - back to the normal type of posts..........

 

Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.
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and...........

Making Love to a Woman

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.
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Points: 2280 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 540 V8 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26-January-2007 at 22:49
Originally posted by thepits thepits wrote:

ok - back to the normal type of posts..........

 

Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

 PITSY!  I never for one minute knew you had such filth in your mind!

Well done! nice one

Mike

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Think I can top that:

Recipe for Love Cake

 

 

INGREDIENTS:

 

2 laughing eyes

2 well shaped legs

2 loving arms

2 firm milk containers

2 nuts

1 fur lined mixing bowl

1 firm banana

 

 

METHOD:

 

1.                     Look into laughing eyes

 

2.         Spread well shaped legs with loving arms

 

3.         Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently

until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger

 

4.         Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in

and out until well creamed (for best results continue to knead milk containers).

 

5.                     As heat rises plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts.

Leave to soak, preferably not overnight

 

6.         The cake is done when the banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

 

 

PS: If it is an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils before and after use.

 

 

DO NOT LICK BOWL AFTER USE.

 

 

IF THE CAKE RISES LEAVE TOWN


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One from down under.

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher
asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman,chippy,
captain of industry etc,
but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked
him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really
good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them
sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took
little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say."
1998 E36 318iS Saloon   
1989 E30 318i. Coupe
2000 E39 520i Touring

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And if you didn't like the cricket one,

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving
together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled
with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of
cute,
cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It
was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and
she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom
shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge,
enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it
strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection
of
Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite
impressed by his sensitive side.


They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe
he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses
him
lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her
in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each
other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity,
more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had
never
done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive
guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over,
gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"  The guy
gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and
says......................

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

1998 E36 318iS Saloon   
1989 E30 318i. Coupe
2000 E39 520i Touring

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 nice one steven..
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Steve .....Superb !
Robert Born
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Defense Attorney:  Will you please state your age?

 

Little Old Lady:  I am 86 years old.

 

Defense Attorney:  Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
 
  Little Old Lady:  There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch  and sat down beside me.
 
  Defense Attorney:  Did you know him?
 
  Little Old Lady:  No, but he sure was friendly.
 
  Defense Attorney:  What happened after he sat down?
 
  Little Old Lady:  He started to rub my thigh.
 
  Defense Attorney:  Did you stop him?
 
  Little Old Lady:  No, I didn't stop him.
 
  Defense Attorney:  Why not?
 
  Little Old Lady:  It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died  some 30 years ago.
 
  Defense Attorney:  What happened next?
 
  Little Old Lady:  He began to rub my breasts.
 
  Defense Attorney:  Did you stop him then?
 
  Little Old Lady:  No, I did not stop him.
 
  Defense Attorney:  Why not?
 
  Little Old Lady:  His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't  felt that good in years!
 
  Defense Attorney:  What happened next?
 
  Little Old Lady:  Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy" that I just  laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
 
  Defense Attorney:  Did he take
you?
 
  Little Old Lady:  Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little b****rd!
Dave Ryle


"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw
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Son to father: "Dad,is a Ferrari a red car with a small horse on the back?"

Father: "Thats right, but why do you ask?"

Son: "I think theres one trying to pass us on the right..."

 

 

 

 

 
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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what people will do for extra horsepower..tutt tutt..
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^^

That makes sense: it's rear-driven.

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000 They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape....................................................... .......
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Dave Ryle


"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw
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