Bavarian-Board.co.uk - BMW Owners Discussion Forum Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home > General Forums > General Off Topic Forum
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - The Neverending Thread
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Register Register  Login Login

Forum LockedThe Neverending Thread
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1 1213141516 173>
Author
Message Reverse Sort Order
  Topic Search Topic Search  Topic Options Topic Options
Misty Morning View Drop Down
Really Senior Member II
Really Senior Member II
Avatar

Joined: 21-December-2006
Location: Up North
Status: Offline
Points: 1263 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Misty Morning Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20-September-2008 at 13:26
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.  They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady
in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above
the walls light up sequentially.  They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then the numbers began to light in  the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped
out.

The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.'
Back to Top
Sponsored Links


Back to Top
Jack735 View Drop Down
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Avatar

Joined: 14-September-2005
Location: Edinburgh
Status: Offline
Points: 1055 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17-September-2008 at 09:28

Scottish Logic

 

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'

 

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

 

' We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

 

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get there.  I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.  Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
Back to Top
Misty Morning View Drop Down
Really Senior Member II
Really Senior Member II
Avatar

Joined: 21-December-2006
Location: Up North
Status: Offline
Points: 1263 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Misty Morning Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08-September-2008 at 18:22

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her l eft inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'







 

 

 

 




He said, 'I found the remote'.
Back to Top
thepits View Drop Down
Moderator Group
Moderator Group
Avatar

Joined: 09-July-2003
Location: far far away
Status: Offline
Points: 10000473 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote thepits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21-August-2008 at 18:36

A duck walks into a pub and   orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



What the f**k would they want with a plasterer???
Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.
Back to Top
Jack735 View Drop Down
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Avatar

Joined: 14-September-2005
Location: Edinburgh
Status: Offline
Points: 1055 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04-August-2008 at 13:14
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, give him dinner and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. Mystical and spiritual, full of extraordinary beauty.

The Sirens that almost seduced Odysseus into grounding his ship must have sounded like this, he thinks.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a mesmerising and seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man returns to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

















But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


Now get back to work!!!
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
Back to Top
simoneyes View Drop Down
Really Senior Member I
Really Senior Member I
Avatar

Joined: 22-August-2008
Location: W.Sussex
Status: Offline
Points: 330 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote simoneyes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-September-2008 at 18:27

 

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************************************

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech! Support
Back to Top
Rhys View Drop Down
Moderator Group
Moderator Group
Avatar
Coffee addict...

Joined: 02-February-2003
Location: from the Latin locātiō
Status: Offline
Points: 10053 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-September-2008 at 11:12
Originally posted by kbannon kbannon wrote:

..after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made  you fart.



V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v
'63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe
R reg Honda PC50 moped..

No BMW as yet...
Back to Top
Jack735 View Drop Down
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Avatar

Joined: 14-September-2005
Location: Edinburgh
Status: Offline
Points: 1055 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22-August-2008 at 12:48

A duck waddles into a bar, goes up to the barman and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, sorry, we only sell drinks here."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, like I said, all we have is beer."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, I told you, WE ONLY HAVE BEER."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "FOR (beep) SAKE, WE ONLY HAVE (beep)ING BEER AND IF YOU ASK ME FOR (beep)ING BREAD ONE MORE (beep)ING TIME I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE COUNTER!!"

Duck: "Got any nails?"

Barman: "NO!"

Duck: "Got any bread?"
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
Back to Top
dryle View Drop Down
Really Senior Member II
Really Senior Member II


Joined: 31-January-2006
Location: Enfield.
Status: Offline
Points: 1348 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dryle Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12-August-2008 at 10:12
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!!"
Dave Ryle


"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw
Back to Top
thepits View Drop Down
Moderator Group
Moderator Group
Avatar

Joined: 09-July-2003
Location: far far away
Status: Offline
Points: 10000473 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote thepits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03-August-2008 at 15:26

I understand that if Santander complete the takeover of the Alliance & Leicester they will combine the operation with the Abbey National - who they successfully took over a few years ago.

Santander's Board of Directors would have liked to call the operation here in the UK : Abbey National Alliance & Leicester, but deemed it too much of a mouthful.

 

 

Instead they will abbreviate it to : ANAL.

 
Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.
Back to Top
Rhys View Drop Down
Moderator Group
Moderator Group
Avatar
Coffee addict...

Joined: 02-February-2003
Location: from the Latin locātiō
Status: Offline
Points: 10053 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rhys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30-September-2008 at 21:34
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'













...................keep going..........................














Cop: 'He's got the feckin Pope as a chauffeur!'

V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v
'63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe
R reg Honda PC50 moped..

No BMW as yet...
Back to Top
dryle View Drop Down
Really Senior Member II
Really Senior Member II


Joined: 31-January-2006
Location: Enfield.
Status: Offline
Points: 1348 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dryle Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17-September-2008 at 11:12

At the dole office in Castlebar a Traveller walked in to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' How's it going Boss, You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd like to get a job!'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008  Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is 200,000 a year.'

The traveller just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull$h!ttin' me!'

The social welfare worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it!'

 
Dave Ryle


"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw
Back to Top
simoneyes View Drop Down
Really Senior Member I
Really Senior Member I
Avatar

Joined: 22-August-2008
Location: W.Sussex
Status: Offline
Points: 330 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote simoneyes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-September-2008 at 17:51

A well dressed executive type young lady walks into a BMW showroom and walks over to a convertible M3. She stands silently,clearly taken aback by its beauty. She walks slowly around the car nodding in approval before stopping at the drivers door. She can resist no longer and reaches in to feel the leather. At this moment,she breaks wind,stands up suddenly to make sure nobody heard.

A few moments later a salesperson comes and asks if she requires any assistance. She replies sternly "i want to know its price". The salesperson pauses for a moment before saying that he wasnt sure he could help.The lady is not ammused and angrily demands an explination.   "Well" says the salesperson......

    "If you fart just touching it,youll sh*t yourself if i tell you the price".
Back to Top
Jack735 View Drop Down
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Avatar

Joined: 14-September-2005
Location: Edinburgh
Status: Offline
Points: 1055 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22-August-2008 at 12:40
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shone that bloody light in her face.
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
Back to Top
thepits View Drop Down
Moderator Group
Moderator Group
Avatar

Joined: 09-July-2003
Location: far far away
Status: Offline
Points: 10000473 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote thepits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04-August-2008 at 15:38

Airline Announcements?

United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. "

*************************************
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart com-ment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.  
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella,  WHOA!"

*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunder-storms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that."

*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into  Amarillo  ,  Texas  on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, wel-come to  Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

***********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our com-pliments."

***********************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentle-man over there."

******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in  Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt"

****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in  Phoenix , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"

****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

****************************************
A plane was taking off from  Kennedy   Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from  New York  to  Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"  Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

 

 
Cats know your every thought.

But don't care.
Back to Top
simoneyes View Drop Down
Really Senior Member I
Really Senior Member I
Avatar

Joined: 22-August-2008
Location: W.Sussex
Status: Offline
Points: 330 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote simoneyes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18-September-2008 at 17:43

Two lions walking along Brighton pier.One turns to the other and says,

"Quiet for a bank holiday innit"
Back to Top
kbannon View Drop Down
Admin Group
Admin Group
Avatar
E39 525i Sport Individual

Joined: 09-October-2002
Location: 64 Zoo Lane
Status: Offline
Points: 15508 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kbannon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-September-2008 at 00:55
B318isP sent this to me:

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'father's  details;'
These are genuine excerpts from the forms. 



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was  fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the   father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can  provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party  if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a  man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a  BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.   Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.


5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am  awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7. I am chinese and do not know who the father of my child was as all English look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.


9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember  for sure is Gordo Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made  you fart.

 
Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE
1997 E39 523i
2003 E39 525i Sport Individual
Back to Top
Jack735 View Drop Down
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Avatar

Joined: 14-September-2005
Location: Edinburgh
Status: Offline
Points: 1055 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack735 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22-August-2008 at 12:40
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said,

"We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said,

"Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "Well you'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
Back to Top
dryle View Drop Down
Really Senior Member II
Really Senior Member II


Joined: 31-January-2006
Location: Enfield.
Status: Offline
Points: 1348 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dryle Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12-August-2008 at 10:10

Going with Pitsys theme

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."

Dave Ryle


"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw
Back to Top
Rossi View Drop Down
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Avatar

Joined: 07-May-2005
Status: Offline
Points: 3311 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rossi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-July-2008 at 10:17
Originally posted by Goldryder Goldryder wrote:

Not sure if this has already been posted on here...but...click on 'begin' once page loads and see how many you recognise

http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/


 ROTFL..I found bits of myself in there when it concerns this forum but, even more worrying I found a mod in there too
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1 1213141516 173>
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down



This page was generated in 0.246 seconds.