The Neverending Thread |
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Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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John and Jack aircraft mechanics at Aberdeen Airport. John and Jack were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at Aberdeen Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. John said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jack says, 'Me too. Y know, Ive heard ye can drink jet fuel an get a buzz. Do you wanna try it?' So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning John wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! [or should that be hangerover?] NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jack. Jack says, Hey, how ya feeling the day?' John says, 'Smashing! What about you?' Jack says, 'Brand spanking new! Got a hangover?' John says , 'No that jet fuel is just the dogs b******s! - no hangover, nothing. We should do this more often Jack says 'Aye, well there's just the one thing.' What's that then?' Have you f@rted yet?' 'Errrrrr - No ' Well, DONT, 'cause I'm in BLUMMIN Norway! Edited by Jack735 |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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Nice
I used to use av-gas in my old zippo - I think I'm the only one to have a lighter that pinked. |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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did someone mention pink? Edited by thepits |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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A tourist walked into a curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied: "It's 12 for the rat, and 100 for the story." The tourist gave the owner his 12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story." As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned. The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?" "No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a Chelsea supporter, and anything French!"
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Cats know your every thought.
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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2007 Darwin Awards
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed. The Honourable Mentions: 10. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 9. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 8. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 7. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) 5. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 4. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from. " 3. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 am, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. 2. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. The police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. And.... the helpless Winner:
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. |
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Cats know your every thought.
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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On honeymoon A man married his new wife. On their honey moon, she told him she was not a virgin. He said no big deal, I didn't expect in this day and age you would be. She said, "thats not what Tiger would do, he would come back and we would do it again." So he climbed back into bed and once they were through, he again went to the phone. She asked, "what are you doing?" Again, he said I am calling room service." She again says, "thats not what Tiger would do." So he climbed back into bed and they went again. This time when they finished, he went to the phone, the new bride said, " I know you are not calling room service." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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steven.seed
Really Senior Member II Joined: 24-June-2005 Location: Sale, Cheshire Status: Offline Points: 1507 |
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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now". Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years". ,Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?" Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole And call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play For money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole". Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night".
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1998 E36 318iS Saloon
1989 E30 318i. Coupe 2000 E39 520i Touring |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Can you image running a company with over 600 employees and the following Personnel record? 21 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques 117 have been bankrupt 3 have been charged with assult 4 arrested on drug charges 8 have been charged with shop-lifting 20 have lawsuits hanging over them and over 30 have been charged with drunk driving who's the company?
The 635 members of the House of Commons
Our Law makers! |
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Cats know your every thought.
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
Says he to himself: This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189." |
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Cats know your every thought.
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Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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'Why men should not write advice columns'
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Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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As I have had a day when the news has been gloomy both
economically,worldly and because i am getting fed up with Public
Utilities and other patronisers who constantly keep putting their hands
in my pockets and say it is
inflation............................................... ....A German
guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.' 'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.' '..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.' 'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.' She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. 'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.' She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?' 'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze.... four-sprung Duck technique |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Rhys! I'm disappointed in you |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Bigian
Really Senior Member II Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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David Blaine Test
This is creepy!
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Think of a letter between A and W .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Keep going .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Don't stop .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Think of an animal that begins with that letter .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Think of either a man's or a woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Almost there .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines on your hand .. .. .. .. .. Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name? .. .. .. .. .. Of course they F****ing don't ! .. .. .. ... .. Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games! .. .. .. .. .. Don't tell the secret to others, just send them this e-mail! |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Bigian
Really Senior Member II Joined: 25-May-2005 Location: Stonehaven Status: Offline Points: 2167 |
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If you can't be good don't get caught
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Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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Women's Arse size study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their arses. The results are pretty interesting: 1. 5% of women surveyed feel their arse is too big. 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their arse is too small. 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway. |
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Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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Ed Zachary disease
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical advice from the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?" Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied. "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse." |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Dumb Britain... Anne Robinson "In Russian politics, Vladamire Putin is renowned as an accomplished performer of which activity, Judo or Cluedo?" Contestant "Cluedo" AR "in 1948 David Ben-Gurion became Prime minister of which country?" Contestant "Wales" and now.... Dumb Ireland... (Radio Athlone) Presenter "What sweet has a name that sounds like a day of the week?" Caller (After a long pause) "Would it be marshmallow?" |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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dutch
Really Senior Member I Joined: 17-December-2005 Location: lakeside Essex Status: Offline Points: 438 |
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A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. |
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e39,1200 bandit
cooper S, Z3 topazbleu |
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