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kbannon 
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E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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 Posted: 17-April-2009 at 22:57 |
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And a few more...
Save the price of a visit to a public swimming pool, by recreating the experience in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. AVOID over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check your day-to-day requirement for himself. SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help. SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there. DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air- filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire. Probably. EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer. Dont buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.  Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to expensive sun-bed treatments. |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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kbannon
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E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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Posted: 17-April-2009 at 22:56 |
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CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS!!!!
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again. SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y. DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Not sure how to make contented wasps angry? - just put some into an empty cigar tube and you'll know. SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat. HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly against the wall. SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit. CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes. WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes. MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee. MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs. SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed. WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards. |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor 
Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 16-April-2009 at 17:15 |
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You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer: Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're drunk! |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 16-April-2009 at 17:14 |
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A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!" "I don't want any blummin glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!" |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 09-April-2009 at 12:22 |
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Kids Are Quick TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 09-April-2009 at 12:22 |
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Woman visiting her husband in hospital: I opened the door in my pyjamas A white horse walks into a bar and the barman says We've got a whisky named after you! What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl? A penguin walks into a bar and says Have you seen my dad? Barman says what does he look like? Whats round and bad tempered ? Sky TV have been awarded the rights to televise the World origami finals from Osaka in Japan......... What do you call a bear without a paw? I was walking past the fridge this morning and I thought I heard the onions singing a song by the Bee Gees. |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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dryle
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Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Posted: 08-April-2009 at 14:16 |
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I prefer to squint the eyes and just let rip, then watch the horrified expressions. |
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Dave Ryle
 "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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Rossi
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Joined: 07-May-2005 Status: Offline Points: 3311 |
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Posted: 08-April-2009 at 13:58 |
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THE LOVE DRESS
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress? But you're naked!' 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she< br> explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.' The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. ' What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually. 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?' |
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Rossi
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Joined: 07-May-2005 Status: Offline Points: 3311 |
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Posted: 08-April-2009 at 13:55 |
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You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... You need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better. You approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring at you, and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your ipod... |
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lesurely
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Joined: 07-October-2005 Location: The Royal County Status: Offline Points: 889 |
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Posted: 07-April-2009 at 14:42 |
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e30 325is (deceased)
e36 318is under major construction E39 530D Sport mtec (all the bells and whistles ) Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower lesurely |
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Rhys
Moderator Group
Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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Posted: 04-April-2009 at 16:40 |
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers... She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? ' |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 02-April-2009 at 15:20 |
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When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge *********, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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kbannon
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E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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Posted: 29-March-2009 at 09:55 |
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IIRC they are travellers!
Drug dealing murderous scum |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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Fey!
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Funs over, Scotty; beam down my clothes! Joined: 28-February-2005 Location: Galway Status: Offline Points: 4161 |
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Posted: 28-March-2009 at 16:43 |
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It gives a new meaning to "the wan in the fishnets is a bit of a horse"!!! What's the deal with the pickup? The most infuriating thing is the Tricolour being dragged along the ground. |
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kbannon
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E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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Posted: 28-March-2009 at 09:05 |
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The world is better off without that scumbag.
Very tasteful funeral cortge and all!  Edited by kbannon |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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Fey!
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Funs over, Scotty; beam down my clothes! Joined: 28-February-2005 Location: Galway Status: Offline Points: 4161 |
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Posted: 27-March-2009 at 13:05 |
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This one is true. In the current gangland which is Limerick, a city in the west of Ireland, there are two feuding factions, the Collopy/Keanes, and the Dundon/McCarthys. Over the past couple of years, they have been attempting to annihilate each other. Last week, Philip Collopy decided to show how big a man he was. He ejected the magazine from his semi automatic pistol, and proceeded tell his friends "This is what will happen any of those f*****s if they come after me", as he put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. He had completely forgotten about the bullet that was already chambered in the gun, and shot himself in the head. Does anyone have an email address for the Darwin Awards or Snopes??? And here's the inevitable joke: Latest score in local feud: |
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Rhys
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Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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Posted: 21-March-2009 at 11:26 |
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Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy,whip me,whip me!" Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy. About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen". |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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kbannon
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E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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Posted: 20-March-2009 at 21:40 |
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The McD's one mentioned above is here...
Edited by kbannon |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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kbannon
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E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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Posted: 20-March-2009 at 21:38 |
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MAGPIE: THE ASSOCIATION for British Travel Agents and Thomas Cook have compiled some research looking at the silliest complaints lodged by holidaymakers in the UK. They include concerns about sand being too white, anger at the sea being too full of fish and feelings of inadequacy on seeing an aroused elephant. One man was envious that the three-bedroom apartment rented by his friend was clearly bigger than his own one-bedroom place. Another couple were frustrated that it took them nine hours to fly back to England from Jamaica when it only took the American travellers a mere three hours to get home. One Briton complained that the 3.50 pair of Ray Ban sunglasses bought from a street vendor proved to be fake, another that his travel agent had failed to tell him to wear swimming trunks for his trip to a water park, while another tour operator was criticised for not informing a traveller that mosquitos bite. It goes on. According to one man there were too many Spanish people in Spain and and another felt that too much curry was served in restaurants in India. * * * * * A COMPUTER programmer from Finland who lost his ring finger in a motorcycle accident has had it replaced with a USB drive. Jerry Jalava has built a special prosthetic finger which contains computer storage for photos, movies and other useful files. The prosthetic finger looks like a normal finger but he can peel it back from the nailand plug it into the USB slot on his computer, he explained. It is not attached permanently in to my body, it is a removable prosthetic which has USB memory stick inside it. When Im using the USB, I just leave my finger inside the slot and pick it up after Im ready. * * * * * AN ART student in England has given herself three months to find a husband as the final project for her college course. Alex Humphreys (23) is taking a visual communication course at Leeds College of Art and Design. She began her Husband Project after becoming disillusioned with casual dating and, so far, has 150 prospective suitors. In June, she must present a body of work to examiners to complete her course. She hopes it will include a marriage certificate and a real man as well. Id been single for too long and didnt want to end up a spinster, said Miss Humphreys. I wanted do to a big concept art piece for my final project and so I put the two things together. Im serious about finding the man I wake up next to for the rest of my life and marrying him before my course ends in June. * * * * * MEANWHILE, A woman in the US has been ordered to appear in court after calling the police three times because a McDonalds restaurant had run out of Chicken McNuggets. * * * * * IN A bid to protect children from sporting disappointment the English Football Association has been urged to introduce a mercy rule in youth soccer that would result in games being stopped if a team opens up a nine-goal lead. * * * * * IT BRINGS a whole different meaning to Blowing in the wind but Bob Dylan is reportedly making himself unpopular among his Malibu neighbours because of smells from a portable toilet on his property. They complain that sea breezes blow nasty smells from the loo, used by employees of Dylans, including his security guards. Cindy Emminger, whose house is directly behind the toilet, says the smell has made her and her eight-year-old son ill because they are both sensitive to chemicals and have allergies. She and her husband even went as far as installing five industrial-sized fans to blow the smell back at Dylan, but it didnt work. Its a scandal, Mr Emminger told the Los Angeles Times. Mr Civil Rights is killing our civil rights. * * * * * GERMAN TWIN brothers arrested on suspicion of stealing 6 million worth of jewellery and watches from KaDeWe, Berlins largest department store, have been released because police cannot prove which one did it. The 27-year-olds had been accused of the daring theft in which the robbers are thought to have abseiled into the shop through a skylight after scaling the side of the building. From the evidence we have, said a court statement, we can deduce that at least one of the brothers took part in the crime but it has not been possible to determine which one. Investigations are continuing (source) |
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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Misty Morning
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Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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Posted: 13-March-2009 at 15:48 |
 keep 'em coming Jack
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The Neverending Thread
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Rossi wrote:
A nations flag is supposed to be carried with respect, and should not touch the ground. You'd be strung up for that in some countries. 