The Neverending Thread

Attention ALL Zimbabwe/Mozambique Border Patrol Agents...

Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top - thought to be transporting illegal immigrants!

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on the telly?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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I took my missus to a nice restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. �I�ll have a large steak, medium rare, please.� He said, �Aren�t you worried about the mad cow?�

�Nah, she can order for herself' I said.

And then the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ... and you know how you just get completely stressed at that point?

Well, I could NOT believe it... he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

And then the fight started...

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My girlfriend is standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror. She's not happy with what she sees and says to me, 'I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I then replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her somewhere expensive � so, I took her to a petrol station�

And then the fight started...

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Mrs Jack and I were watching �Who Wants To Be A Millionaire� while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, �Do you want to have sex?� �No,� she answered. I responded, �Is that your final answer?� Know what? She didn�t even look at me this time, simply saying, �Yes.� So I said, �Then I�d like to phone a friend.�

And then the fight started...

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My wife was so pi**ed off at me for not opening the car door for her to get out,

I told her I was sorry, 'I just panicked and swam to the surface first'


And then the fight started...

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A farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, " I've got to **** this pig every night."

His wife says, "That's a sheep, not a pig."

Farmer says, "It was the sheep I was talking to."

And then the fight started...

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My girlfriend and I were sitting in the living room. She said we should go somewhere to eat where we haven't been in a while.

I suggested the kitchen.

And then the fight started...

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I asked my mate if he'd be my best man. He was well chuffed. I told him it was a full Scottish wedding. Kilts, bagpipes, the lot. He asked me what was the tartan.

I told him she was wearing her wedding dress.

And then the fight started...

Some of you will have noticed I have not added any �jokes� to this thread recently.  Well I�ve been doing some research!  The bad news is my research was for the worst jokes I could find.  No, its OK!  You deserve them.  So here we go �.

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How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi Jammin..

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A sadist and a masochist are talking, the masochist says "Hit me" the sadist says "No"

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The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster."

And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint".

What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl.

"It's a horny ba5tard!"

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Two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other

Do you smell carrot?

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What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A walkie-talkie

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What�s round and bad tempered?

A vicious circle.

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Secretary - Can I use your Dictaphone?

Boss - No, use your finger like everyone else.

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I was walking past the fridge this morning and I thought I heard the onions

singing a song by the Bee Gees.

When I opened the door it was only the chives talking.

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Heard about the magic tractor?

It was driving along the road then turned into a field

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Waiter - this soup tastes funny.

Why are you not laughing then?

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Do you have any invisible ink sir?

Yes, which colour?

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What's E.T. short for??

Cos he only has little legs !

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac were all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat" said the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it." stated the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it!" shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again." continued the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it." said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said : "Meow".

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And my favourite worst joke ��

What do you call a nun that walks in her sleep?

A Roaming Catholic

Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Jack, but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.

Mr Jack: Yipppeeeeee! It works!

Holiday Truth's

Survey by Thos Cook and ABTA

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."


A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fianc� and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me.... selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington