The Neverending Thread

An 84 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The next time the doctor saw him he asked how he was doing.

"Great," said the old guy. "I did just what you told me. 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.' "

"I didn't say that," said the doctor. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.' "

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A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. �Have you ever done anything of particular merit?� St. Peter asks.

�Well, I can think of one thing,� the man offers. �On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn�t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,

�Leave her alone now or you�ll answer to me.��

St. Peter was impressed.

�When did this happen?�

�Just a few minutes ago.�

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Jock, newly arrived from the Highlands, boards a bus in Central London, carrying a suitcase.

"That's �1.50 please mate, plus 50p extra for your case"., says the bus driver.

"Och Awa wi ye Sassenach, I�ll not be paying that much-no way"

The bus driver waits ...... and waits ... until Jock throws down his 2 quid, then the bus continues on the journey. All the while our Jock keeps up a tirade about 'Thieving b****rd Sassenachs" and capitalist Londoners in particular.

By now the driver has had enough, pulls up the bus whilst crossing Waterloo Bridge, opens the doors, and slings the suitcase off the bus, followed by Jock.

Unfortunately the suitcase hits the parapet and plunges forty feet into the Thames.

"Ayee-ya b****rd!", cries Jock "First ya try to rob me, and noo ye've murdered ma poor wee son!"

[You�ll have seen some of these before]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you

hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

11. What is the difference between genius and stupidity?

Genius has limits. - Albert Einstein

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A light two seater plane crashed into a Glasgow cemetery.

Emergency services have already recovered over hundred bodies, a spokesman for the rescue services said the operation continues???

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A ship carrying two Welshmen, two Irishmen, two Scotsmen and two Englishmen, foundered on a desert Island.

Ten years later a rescue boat arrives. The two Scotsmen had opened a distillery, the two Welshmen had formed a choir, the two Irishmen were fighting, and the two Englishmen were still on the beach waiting to be formally introduced to each other.

A man was watching a magician do his trick. When he had finished the man asked if the magician would show him how it was done.

I can, came the reply, but then I would have to kill you as it is a secret.

The man thought for a moment, then said, could you tell my wife?????

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A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand up, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman..'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

Bought the wife a new mood ring, it sure works. If it turns green she's in a happy mood. If she's in an angry mood it leaves a gash on my forehead.

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What�s the difference between 1920 panties and 2008 panties?

1920s you had to pull them down to see the bum.

2008 you have to spread the bum to see the panties.

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[An old one but sorry, I love it! Jack]

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs,

they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there

any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for

a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any

dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and

then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.'

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY

dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,

there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding

the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!

His wife was not amused. She simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker ... 'It's not talcum powder ....... It's 'Miracle Grow!�

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For my ex

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you,

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls empty, and so is your head.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,

This describes every thing you are not.

I love your smile, your face and your eyes,

Damn I am good at telling lies.

Every time I see your face

I wish you lived in outer space.

My darling, my lover my beautiful wife,

Marrying you stuffed up my life.

Beauty is on the inside but some may doubt

If it is true I prefer you inside out.

I see your face when I am dreaming

No wonder I wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away

What have you stepped in to make me feel this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe go to hell

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The judge asked, 'When did you realise you had been raped?"

'When the cheque bounced' replied the prostitute.

Man came home from work to find his wife lying on the bed in her most sexy underwear. Tie me up she said and you can do anything. So he tied her up and went off to golf.

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I'm often asked what makes for a good marriage.

Go out twice a week for a meal and have wine good conversation and a little romance.

It works for us. She goes Monday and Wednesdays, I go Tuesday and Thursday.

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Two dyslexic robbers went into a bank and said 'Air in the hands, mother stickers, This is a f***up.

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Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

THURSDAY :

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY :

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director.

SATURDAY :

Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!