E34 wins coveted award! |
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chazzer
Bavarian-Board Contributor V8 Baby !!! Joined: 25-April-2005 Location: south bristol Status: Offline Points: 383 |
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Posted: 01-October-2006 at 12:01 |
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Current : 1995 BMW E34 540I Auto 98K Fully Loaded, Leather, Sat Nav & Dvd. Previous: 1991 BMW E34 520I Manual(non-vanos) 185K with full leather. 1990 BMW E34 525I Auto 113k in sterling silver
& 1993 BMW E34 520I SE in dimond black |
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RedOctober
Really Senior Member I Joined: 19-April-2005 Location: Wirral Status: Offline Points: 279 |
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Grahame34m5-apologies for not correctly identifying you as having identified 'the link' on the M5! 540i Touring owners who cannot reset their Automatic Telepathic Link will be questioned differently to M5 owners upon sectioning to an institute for psychiatric analysis. In addition to the 'treatment' for M5 owners, 540i Touring owners will be given a 'Visual Deviation Test'. Owners will be presented with pictures of unhappy dogs, crying children and severely damaged grandfather clocks, which were the result of an owner 'correctly' driving his 540i Touring. If any sign of emotion/concern over the children's and doggies feelings/caring about the carnage caused, is detected from the 540i Touring owner under examination, then an immediate 'brain optimisation' operation will be carried out, and the pictures re-shown until no emotional response is detected from the patient. Only then will he/she be given a further attempt to reset the Automatic Telepathic Link. Yours from the funny farm Alex |
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"I was just clearing out the cylinders, Officer"
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RedOctober
Really Senior Member I Joined: 19-April-2005 Location: Wirral Status: Offline Points: 279 |
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Derek-the symptoms you describe are entirely normal-they are due to what you have correctly identified as an Automatic Telepathic Link, which is a non-optional & compulsorily fitted device on all BMW's above a certain Power/Weight ratio that have 6 or more screaming cylinders. It works by filling the cabin with an aura of 'uneasiness', a kind of 'this doesn't feel quite right' sensation, and becomes progressively more noticeable as the road speed reduces and higher gears are selected, and is at it's maximum when the fuel gauge is at or near full, and the car windows are shut. The only way to 'reset' the link correctly is to drop the gears, nail the throttle, open the windows, and then 'proceed' in this manner until the fuel gauge drops below quarter. There is also a 'visual recognition device' also fitted, which again resets the link when the driver's facial expression has altered to a manic, wild grin, which must be maintained for more than 30 consecutive minutes, or until the red 'low fuel light' illuminates, whichever is the sooner. Only then will the link be reset If the link appears not to be resetting itself, it is not due to any failure of the Automatic Telepathic Link, as these have never been known to fail. The fault is with the driver, who is advised to seek psychiatric counselling, and to attend courses on how to actually enjoy life. Further Philosophical Counselling will also be provided, where the patient will be repeatedly asked to analyse the German philosopher Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe's phrase 'That which you do not use is a heavy Burden', whereupon a multi-choice question will be presented, having only 2 answers:- 1) 518i automatic 2) M5 Failure to match the car to the correct driving style will result in the owner being committed to an institution where he/she will be provided with a comfortable rubber room and a nice jacket that will prevent any self-harm. To aid in convalescence/recovery, aural stimulation will be provided be utilising recordings of M5 engines bouncing off the rev limiter through tunnels, and visual stimulation will take the form of pictures of the faces of M5 owners grinning insanely during the associated driving manouevres. You watch Tony Blair's health system try and provide THAT Alex |
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"I was just clearing out the cylinders, Officer"
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spokey
Bavarian-Board Contributor Offensive and obnoxious tub of lard Joined: 02-March-2004 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 1948 |
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That is SOOOOOOO true! |
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Ciao,
Spokey |
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grahame34m5
Really Senior Member II Joined: 05-August-2005 Status: Offline Points: 808 |
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Christ! this is still going - haven't you all got homes to go to? Like you comment about ......go all blurry like the opening credits to Buck Rogers...... An M5 at FULL BEANS is something else and as for a M5 in tunels...well thats just another dimension (windows down sunroof open - engauge). But around town they are not happy its says things to me (cause I've got a telepathic link with mine) M5 - What are you doing in 4th gear in town at 30mph Graham - I need a pint of milk M5 - Pint of milk! - you poof get me on the bypass and lets go to the next town to get it, and pick up a scooby or two while we're at it. Graham - but that will take half an hour and half a tank of fuel! M5 - Do I look like I give a f*** Graham - But..... M5 - But nothing lets get it on....... Do I need to see a Doctor?
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08 e60 Alpina B5 S sold, please forgive me 03 e39 M5 sold 98 e38 728 Sport Individual dead 93 e34 M5 sold |
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IamSpartacus
Moderator Group Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
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Makes it go all blurry like the opening credits to Buck Rogers.... |
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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540 V8
Bavarian-Board Contributor Lick my badge Joined: 07-December-2005 Location: Running the asylum Status: Offline Points: 2280 |
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My dad used to drive old (but now thought of as classic!) Vauxhall viva's with fake, brown plastic leather and they always smelled of burnt carpet and weld, mainly because that's what they were made of! lol. Oh, he did once have a Talbot Alpine, the engine blew up so he bought another, then the engine blew up (did I just say that?, too much....*hic* to drink...*hic*) The mental scars slowly healed after I got my first beemer, then once I christened my 540 on the M40 after buying it, the drinking began and all my mental torture was drowned away. Of course I don't drink and drive, but rather have a drive, then drink, to help me forget my murky, old banger riddled past. You'll be pleased to know he now drives a transit (a milk delivery vehicle, coz he's a milkman!!) so I have no reason to fear him anymore. After all, white van men love our beemers, don't they? ......................................? lads?.......................................... Seriously though, 540's are a wolf in sheeps clothing, M5's are the wolf, after a good night out, without clothing, mildly intoxicated on absynth. i.e. needing fresh air, perfectly in control but venom running through his veins! Of course the good thing is, wolfs can out run most other animals, pigs being the most important! Right, who's for a pint? Mike |
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Current:E34 540i Touring 6 speed manual(Mpower bodykit & suspension)& Chrysler Voyager 3.3 V6 auto Previous:E34 530iSE AC Schnitzer suspension. E28 525e auto-Standard |
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RedOctober
Really Senior Member I Joined: 19-April-2005 Location: Wirral Status: Offline Points: 279 |
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Next joke please-this 540i owner is a Civil Servant I'll have you know, so no more accusations of being 'tee-total pillars of society' please I used to be a nice, multiple E30 owner, but went over to the dark E34 V8 side and now go to bed in a drunken stupor gurgling V8 noises-we're still mobsters, just bigger and badder, so step up big boy, if you think you're hard enough Tell 'em Derek-what does an M5 at the redline do to your 'perspective' on life My father used to take me to school in a knackered old 1975 1.2 Lada estate you see, and I think it's warped me |
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"I was just clearing out the cylinders, Officer"
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BULLDOG
Groupie Joined: 11-February-2005 Location: sheffield Status: Offline Points: 88 |
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Can't believe It ! I thought all 540 and M5 owners were clean living tee-totallers and pinnacles of society. Thought it was the e30 mob and those that have ascended as far as 525's casting off their low born status that were into drunken debauchery! Oops I'm one of them though aren't I There's hope for me yet ! |
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Paul Drummond
BMW 316 e30 Touring (M) Reg BMW 525 e34 Touring 1994 Triumph Spitfire 1972 Happiness is an e30 tourer and a Black Labrador |
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RedOctober
Really Senior Member I Joined: 19-April-2005 Location: Wirral Status: Offline Points: 279 |
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That's cos us 540i owners still have a few pennies left to buy a beer with Seriously though, it's a smashing M5 you've got there Derek-superb photo-so it's equally deserving of a chunk of the E34 award for it's sheer lust factor and the fact that you know you're at the top of the E34 tree-take a bow So, to the E34 then, in whatever shape or form-truly one of BMW's all-time greats! Drinks are on me chaps-and with the Oktoberfest coming and celebrating all things Bavarian, they'll be served up in proper 2 litre tankards of E34-strength glass and consumed at M5 speed |
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"I was just clearing out the cylinders, Officer"
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IamSpartacus
Moderator Group Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
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Why thank you kind sir, I'd considered going 'professional' though I've been told by some that I'm a prostitute already and as such didn't need to?
I do agree, and as you'll see, it was a mere twelve days ago that I made such a statement! [QUOTE=Derek M5]Posted: 14-September-2006 at 10:22 | IP Logged Feck me you 540 lot are a sensitive bunch! The point I was trying perhaps none too subtley put across is that it's the E34 - in all of it's guises that won the award because they are utterly superb cars! I'm not sure (E30 owners look away now) BMW have made anything as strong or enduring before or after it. The sad fact of the matter is, your avarage spanner monkey won't be able to maintain an E34 M5 due to it's added complexities so in fact the award probably goes to the E34 not including the M5? [QUOTE] Make mine a large one, the beers are on the 540 mob................. |
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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540 V8
Bavarian-Board Contributor Lick my badge Joined: 07-December-2005 Location: Running the asylum Status: Offline Points: 2280 |
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Derek, I admire you humour and your car! OK, there, I said it!! have it your way! LOL At the end of the day, it's the e34 that won the award, not any particular model. We all have the same shape and we are all proud of what we have. Some may be jealous of others, but at the end of the day, if you love it and it loves you, then there is no need to argue! No coats need grabbing. Come on lads, lets get the drinks in and lets celebrate the car that got this post so long and us all so passionate about bemers, HERE's TO THE e34!! WOOHOO HIP, HIP ................................ Regards Mike |
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Current:E34 540i Touring 6 speed manual(Mpower bodykit & suspension)& Chrysler Voyager 3.3 V6 auto Previous:E34 530iSE AC Schnitzer suspension. E28 525e auto-Standard |
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RedOctober
Really Senior Member I Joined: 19-April-2005 Location: Wirral Status: Offline Points: 279 |
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Nope-can't say I've noticed any such threads-then again, 540i love is blind, although M5 love is more akin to blind lust I imagine |
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"I was just clearing out the cylinders, Officer"
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IamSpartacus
Moderator Group Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
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Never fails to put a smile on my face!
Broke into my shed to get tools to get into house, I think they've stopped 'carryng' tools in case they're stopped and search
Decent CCTV has become pretty affordable now, matched with motion sensing software can alert you before they get into the car
Oh no, not pubic transportThey put poor people on that! Ok, so we're all agreed, the 540 is the way to go....
BTW, has anyone noticed the amount of 'Help my 540 has.....' threads round here????
Feck the coat, I'm off [/QUOTE] |
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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RedOctober
Really Senior Member I Joined: 19-April-2005 Location: Wirral Status: Offline Points: 279 |
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Yes, and you'd probably catch me too in your M5 I was reading about it last night in my Brooklands Performance Portfolio on the E34-still a mighty tasty beast As it was the local 'wildlife' nearly had my 540i-they broke in but couldn't break the steering lock. I found a pair of pliers left on the wheelie bin in the drive, so took them up the road to the cop shop as evidence. Only when I later checked in the boot did I find the pliers missing from my bootlid toolkit-cheeky ****ards had only tried to rob my own car with the car's own toolkit-full marks for ingenuity though Since then huge amounts of extra security have gone up, and I delved into the E34 electrical system to find the choiciest way to disable the engine every night, in addition to the standard alarm. Had they succeeded in nicking it, then it would have indeed been 'the train now standing at platform 5' as I join the happy throngs in the carriage to work |
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"I was just clearing out the cylinders, Officer"
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IamSpartacus
Moderator Group Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
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Even sadder is the fact that I have admitted as such above somewhere in this thread though can't remember where, probably because I was much younger when I posted it!
Been there lost one already! You don't want to know security measures employed to ensure it doesn't happen again!
Thankfully I've the Landcruiser for those type jobs.....
The train now arriving at platform 5.......
Don't tell anyone... But, until I somehow convinced SWMBO that an M5 was preferable, we were looking at E34 Touring 540's
I lived in Asia for 10 years.... you can run, but we'll find you! |
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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RedOctober
Really Senior Member I Joined: 19-April-2005 Location: Wirral Status: Offline Points: 279 |
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Meeooooowwwww-steady on chaps, you'll have each other's eyes out at this rate 'Best all rounder' means you have to excel in a number of disciplines, and not be found wanting in any. Sadly, and it does cause me real pain to have to say this, overall total vehicle running costs also have to come into the equation, which will make the M5 choice hard for many. As a 'dream' car the M5 wins, but real-life throws up the odd problem. The exclusivity of the 'M' badge will make them more attractive to thieves, and more expensive to insure, with possible conditions applied-car must be garaged etc. I had this problem when looking round for quotes for my cars, which reside in central Merseyside (ay mate-nice car, it'll be gone by tonight). Several companies were happy to insure a 540i parked on an open driveway, but would not touch an M5 unless garaged, and I don't have a garage! Even my humble 525i estate cause some insurers to baulk when I said it would be parked on the open road, and not in a driveway, and wouldn't even quote for Fire & Theft cover only-and I have never made an insurance claim. So, no matter how much I wanted an M5, I just couldn't make the plan work, whereas the 540i was just about feasible. Also, the Touring bodyshell is hugely useful for our big, useless 'I love all people including car thieves' Alsation (sorry Ben!!!) dog, and for nipping down to the DIY store and lugging large, heavy flat packs back home and piling in mountains of shopping etc. These jobs do, however, throw up the one defect in my 525i Touring's armour-when it's heavily loaded, full fuel tank, passengers, heavy luggage etc, the small engine struggles to shift all the weight and is no more economical than my 540i under those circumstances. That's where the 540i Touring scores big points, and I'm going to have to 'side' with 'trainspotter' Mike here The 540i Touring does all the boring practical jobs you could ask of it, and is also delivers a huge amount of fun when you're conducting a solo orchestra of the big V8 So before a torrent of howls of derision from M5 owners is hurled my way, I'll re-iterate my earlier comments that the M5 is a superb car, and an aspiration for many E34 owners, myself included At the end of the day though, it's an unrealisible dream for many, and so the rest of us will have to settle for the practical alternative. With that I'm grabbing my coat and 'legging it' to central Asia where they don't have e-mail and no-one can pick on me there |
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"I was just clearing out the cylinders, Officer"
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IamSpartacus
Moderator Group Joined: 21-November-2002 Location: Singapore Status: Offline Points: 3625 |
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Left it at the train station with your trainspotting book & thermos perchance? |
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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540 V8
Bavarian-Board Contributor Lick my badge Joined: 07-December-2005 Location: Running the asylum Status: Offline Points: 2280 |
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Firstly, no I do not look like chewbacca! I'm as bald as a coot. My dog has more hair on one ear than my entire head lol. Secondly, I'd rather have a 540, just so I can argue with Derek and keep this topic going, oh and the fact is much cheaper on the insurance, it's a touring, it hasn't got an M5 badge which makes it not so prone to being nicked................blah....blah.........etc...... Thirdly, I'd like to add a point to Redoctobers point about the all round ability of the 540, I'd like to add, the all round ability of the 540 touring coupled with the six speed gearbox! *clears throat* Anyone seen my coat? lol
Mike |
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Current:E34 540i Touring 6 speed manual(Mpower bodykit & suspension)& Chrysler Voyager 3.3 V6 auto Previous:E34 530iSE AC Schnitzer suspension. E28 525e auto-Standard |
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BULLDOG
Groupie Joined: 11-February-2005 Location: sheffield Status: Offline Points: 88 |
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Come October/ November were travelling all over Ireland in our 525 e34 touring, well anyway these bits of Ireland !Meath, Donegal & Mayo, might try Roscommon roads cos we're daring. So if anybody from our Irish contingent spots a Black e34 sporting r32's meandering around it's us! and we're probably lost!. Should we survive this adventure through these counties at this time of year then practical mechanics has got the e34 spot on. Donegal is such a perfect place for driving an e34 on the edge( not that I would recommend it if you don't know the terrain) and the road from Letterkenny to Dungloe is brilliant providing you do everything carefully. I mean really carefully!!!!! I've just been reminded that the back seat passenger is our Black Lab so there goes the driving on the edge bit! Oh Hum
Edited by BULLDOG |
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Paul Drummond
BMW 316 e30 Touring (M) Reg BMW 525 e34 Touring 1994 Triumph Spitfire 1972 Happiness is an e30 tourer and a Black Labrador |
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