The Neverending Thread |
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simoneyes
Really Senior Member I Joined: 22-August-2008 Location: W.Sussex Status: Offline Points: 330 |
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Two lions walking along Brighton pier.One turns to the other and says, "Quiet for a bank holiday innit" |
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kbannon
Admin Group E39 525i Sport Individual Joined: 09-October-2002 Location: 64 Zoo Lane Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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B318isP sent this to me:
The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'father's details;'
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Current: 2009 E60 520d "Sport" tractor
Previous: 1989 E30 320i SE 1997 E39 523i 2003 E39 525i Sport Individual |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said,
"We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well you'd better jack off. I've got a headache." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Going with Pitsys theme
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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Rossi
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 07-May-2005 Status: Offline Points: 3311 |
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ROTFL..I found bits of myself in there when it concerns this forum but, even more worrying I found a mod in there too |
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Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. 'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop. The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'Governor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?' ...................keep going.......................... Cop: 'He's got the feckin Pope as a chauffeur!' |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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At the dole office in Castlebar a Traveller walked in to pick up his cheque. |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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simoneyes
Really Senior Member I Joined: 22-August-2008 Location: W.Sussex Status: Offline Points: 330 |
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A well dressed executive type young lady walks into a BMW showroom and walks over to a convertible M3. She stands silently,clearly taken aback by its beauty. She walks slowly around the car nodding in approval before stopping at the drivers door. She can resist no longer and reaches in to feel the leather. At this moment,she breaks wind,stands up suddenly to make sure nobody heard. A few moments later a salesperson comes and asks if she requires any assistance. She replies sternly "i want to know its price". The salesperson pauses for a moment before saying that he wasnt sure he could help.The lady is not ammused and angrily demands an explination. "Well" says the salesperson...... "If you fart just touching it,youll sh*t yourself if i tell you the price". |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid" she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shone that bloody light in her face. |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Airline Announcements?
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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simoneyes
Really Senior Member I Joined: 22-August-2008 Location: W.Sussex Status: Offline Points: 330 |
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First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech! Support |
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Rhys
Moderator Group Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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A duck waddles into a bar, goes up to the barman and asks: "Got any bread?" |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!!" |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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I understand that if Santander complete the takeover of the Alliance & Leicester they will combine the operation with the Abbey National - who they successfully took over a few years ago. Santander's Board of Directors would have liked to call the operation here in the UK : Abbey National Alliance & Leicester, but deemed it too much of a mouthful.
Instead they will abbreviate it to : ANAL. |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.' |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Scottish Logic A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.' 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. ' We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.' Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,' She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.' |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, give him dinner and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. Mystical and spiritual, full of extraordinary beauty. The Sirens that almost seduced Odysseus into grounding his ship must have sounded like this, he thinks. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a mesmerising and seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man returns to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. Now get back to work!!! |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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