The Neverending Thread |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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yeh, but that's in the Irish forum - who reads that |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Goldryder
Bavarian-Board Contributor Illegitimi Non Carborundum Joined: 02-April-2004 Location: Acomb, North Yorkshire Status: Offline Points: 5301 |
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Allegedly a true story:
July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, 'that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,' were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark 'good luck, Mr. Gorky.' Many people at NASA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'good luck, Mr. Gorky'... statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5,1995, in Tampa Bay,Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr. and Mrs. Gorky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorky shouting at Mr. Gorky. 'Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!' |
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October 2-6 2008 - Houston, Texas - Long Distance Wedding
March 15-April 1 2009 - Transatlantic Cruise October 10-25 2009 - China, Korea, Taiwan & Japan Cruise |
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Goldryder
Bavarian-Board Contributor Illegitimi Non Carborundum Joined: 02-April-2004 Location: Acomb, North Yorkshire Status: Offline Points: 5301 |
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A rabbit walked into a restaurant with a lion.
The waiter seats them and asks the rabbit, "What will you have?" The rabbit says bring me a half a head of lettuce. The waiter looks at the lion and says; and what will he have? The rabbit says "The lion?" he's not eating". The waiter says "why? Isn’t he hungry?" Then the rabbit says "if he was hungry do you think I'd be here?" |
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October 2-6 2008 - Houston, Texas - Long Distance Wedding
March 15-April 1 2009 - Transatlantic Cruise October 10-25 2009 - China, Korea, Taiwan & Japan Cruise |
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Goldryder
Bavarian-Board Contributor Illegitimi Non Carborundum Joined: 02-April-2004 Location: Acomb, North Yorkshire Status: Offline Points: 5301 |
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A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered. 'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go. |
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October 2-6 2008 - Houston, Texas - Long Distance Wedding
March 15-April 1 2009 - Transatlantic Cruise October 10-25 2009 - China, Korea, Taiwan & Japan Cruise |
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Goldryder
Bavarian-Board Contributor Illegitimi Non Carborundum Joined: 02-April-2004 Location: Acomb, North Yorkshire Status: Offline Points: 5301 |
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A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again." |
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October 2-6 2008 - Houston, Texas - Long Distance Wedding
March 15-April 1 2009 - Transatlantic Cruise October 10-25 2009 - China, Korea, Taiwan & Japan Cruise |
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Goldryder
Bavarian-Board Contributor Illegitimi Non Carborundum Joined: 02-April-2004 Location: Acomb, North Yorkshire Status: Offline Points: 5301 |
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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder? again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.? She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "why don't you eat the peanuts yourself? "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them." It pays to be careful around old people. |
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October 2-6 2008 - Houston, Texas - Long Distance Wedding
March 15-April 1 2009 - Transatlantic Cruise October 10-25 2009 - China, Korea, Taiwan & Japan Cruise |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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But not - as he revealed recently on TV |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Goldryder
Bavarian-Board Contributor Illegitimi Non Carborundum Joined: 02-April-2004 Location: Acomb, North Yorkshire Status: Offline Points: 5301 |
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Not sure if this has already been posted on here...but...click on 'begin' once page loads and see how many you recognise
http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/ Edited by Goldryder |
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October 2-6 2008 - Houston, Texas - Long Distance Wedding
March 15-April 1 2009 - Transatlantic Cruise October 10-25 2009 - China, Korea, Taiwan & Japan Cruise |
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nero
Moderator Group Just call me Tripod Joined: 15-October-2002 Location: Scotland Status: Offline Points: 3131 |
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[I need to be careful how I reply to this, in case I get categorised ] Brilliant, I had a really good laugh, trying to match the Warriors to forum members Welcome back to the forum G |
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Rossi
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 07-May-2005 Status: Offline Points: 3311 |
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ROTFL..I found bits of myself in there when it concerns this forum but, even more worrying I found a mod in there too |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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I understand that if Santander complete the takeover of the Alliance & Leicester they will combine the operation with the Abbey National - who they successfully took over a few years ago. Santander's Board of Directors would have liked to call the operation here in the UK : Abbey National Alliance & Leicester, but deemed it too much of a mouthful.
Instead they will abbreviate it to : ANAL. |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, give him dinner and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. Mystical and spiritual, full of extraordinary beauty. The Sirens that almost seduced Odysseus into grounding his ship must have sounded like this, he thinks. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a mesmerising and seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man returns to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. Now get back to work!!! |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Airline Announcements?
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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Going with Pitsys theme
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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dryle
Really Senior Member II Joined: 31-January-2006 Location: Enfield. Status: Offline Points: 1348 |
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!!" |
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Dave Ryle
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw |
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thepits
Moderator Group Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid" she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shone that bloody light in her face.” |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said,
"We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well you'd better jack off. I've got a headache." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
Bavarian-Board Contributor Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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A duck waddles into a bar, goes up to the barman and asks: "Got any bread?" |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Misty Morning
Really Senior Member II Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
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