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Jack735 
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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 Posted: 14-February-2008 at 14:35 |
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On honeymoon A man married his new wife. On their honey moon, she told him she was not a virgin. He said no big deal, I didn't expect in this day and age you would be. She said, "thats not what Tiger would do, he would come back and we would do it again." So he climbed back into bed and once they were through, he again went to the phone. She asked, "what are you doing?" Again, he said I am calling room service." She again says, "thats not what Tiger would do." So he climbed back into bed and they went again. This time when they finished, he went to the phone, the new bride said, " I know you are not calling room service." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Rhys
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Coffee addict... Joined: 02-February-2003 Location: from the Latin locātiō Status: Offline Points: 10053 |
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Posted: 07-February-2008 at 21:34 |
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Nice
 I used to use av-gas in my old zippo - I think I'm the only one to have a lighter that pinked. |
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V reg Rustbucket Merc C220 Cdi estate
J Reg Saab 900i 16v '63 Ford Anglia 105e deluxe R reg Honda PC50 moped.. No BMW as yet... |
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 04-February-2008 at 19:24 |
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English ******* and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland *******s and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 04-February-2008 at 19:13 |
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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540 V8
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Lick my badge Joined: 07-December-2005 Location: Running the asylum Status: Offline Points: 2280 |
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Posted: 03-February-2008 at 21:07 |
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This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic."
I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now,", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge."
"Yeah", I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone, stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f**k off....
Edited by thepits |
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Current:E34 540i Touring 6 speed manual(Mpower bodykit & suspension)& Chrysler Voyager 3.3 V6 auto Previous:E34 530iSE AC Schnitzer suspension. E28 525e auto-Standard |
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thepits
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Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Posted: 08-February-2008 at 21:38 |
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2007 Darwin Awards
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed. The Honourable Mentions: 10. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 9. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 8. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 7. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) 5. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 4. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from. " 3. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 am, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. 2. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. The police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. And.... the helpless Winner:
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 06-February-2008 at 09:13 |
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John and Jack aircraft mechanics at Aberdeen Airport. John and Jack were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at Aberdeen Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. John said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jack says, 'Me too. Y know, Ive heard ye can drink jet fuel an get a buzz. Do you wanna try it?' So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning John wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! [or should that be hangerover?] NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jack. Jack says, Hey, how ya feeling the day?' John says, 'Smashing! What about you?' Jack says, 'Brand spanking new! Got a hangover?' John says , 'No that jet fuel is just the dogs b******s! - no hangover, nothing. We should do this more often Jack says 'Aye, well there's just the one thing.' What's that then?' Have you f@rted yet?' 'Errrrrr - No ' Well, DONT, 'cause I'm in BLUMMIN Norway! Edited by Jack735 |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 04-February-2008 at 19:23 |
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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 04-February-2008 at 19:12 |
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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going through hell. |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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540 V8
Bavarian-Board Contributor
Lick my badge Joined: 07-December-2005 Location: Running the asylum Status: Offline Points: 2280 |
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Posted: 03-February-2008 at 21:06 |
'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard,
I will give you a biscuit'
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit. The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?' Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box' 'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell "box" on the blackboard,
I will also give you a biscuit'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit. Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me
and calling me nasty names' 'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like
blatant racial discrimination to me.
I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination"
I will give you a biscuit' |
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Current:E34 540i Touring 6 speed manual(Mpower bodykit & suspension)& Chrysler Voyager 3.3 V6 auto Previous:E34 530iSE AC Schnitzer suspension. E28 525e auto-Standard |
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thepits
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Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Posted: 16-February-2008 at 20:53 |
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Can you image running a company with over 600 employees and the following Personnel record? 21 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques 117 have been bankrupt 3 have been charged with assult 4 arrested on drug charges 8 have been charged with shop-lifting 20 have lawsuits hanging over them and over 30 have been charged with drunk driving who's the company?
The 635 members of the House of Commons
Our Law makers! |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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thepits
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Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Posted: 07-February-2008 at 22:53 |
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A tourist walked into a curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied: "It's 12 for the rat, and 100 for the story." The tourist gave the owner his 12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story." As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned. The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?" "No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a Chelsea supporter, and anything French!"
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Cats know your every thought.
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Misty Morning
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Joined: 21-December-2006 Location: Up North Status: Offline Points: 1263 |
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Posted: 04-February-2008 at 23:18 |
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 04-February-2008 at 19:22 |
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The Best Blonde Joke Of The Year - So Far 2 One day a man was working in a bar and five blondes came in and ordered ten bottles of champagne.
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 04-February-2008 at 19:12 |
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Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, during marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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steven.seed
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Joined: 24-June-2005 Location: Sale, Cheshire Status: Offline Points: 1507 |
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Posted: 14-February-2008 at 18:01 |
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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now". Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years". ,Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?" Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole And call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play For money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole". Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night".
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1998 E36 318iS Saloon
1989 E30 318i. Coupe 2000 E39 520i Touring 
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thepits
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Joined: 09-July-2003 Location: far far away Status: Offline Points: 10000473 |
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Posted: 07-February-2008 at 22:50 |
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did someone mention pink?
Edited by thepits |
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Cats know your every thought.
But don't care. |
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 04-February-2008 at 19:24 |
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An 18-year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemists and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who's the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a 2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and 2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?" At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You sh@g her again." |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 04-February-2008 at 19:13 |
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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Jack735
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Joined: 14-September-2005 Location: Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 1055 |
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Posted: 04-February-2008 at 19:09 |
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25 Phrases Of Wisdom 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. |
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Oooh, The machine of a dream, such a clean machine With the pistons a pumpin', and the alloys all gleam, When I'm holding your wheel, All I hear is your gear, With my hand on your grease gun, Mmm it's like a disease son, I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile, Get a grip on my .......
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The Neverending Thread
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Rhys wrote: